((((Squiggle)))))

I just got done reading this entire thread and just wanted to give you a good, safe hug. I (as well as pretty much everyone going through therapy) know EXACTLY what it feels like to have to go through that one-sided, uneven balance of the therapy relationship. It's so unnatural, and so difficult to make peace with.

I've talked to my T about it a couple of times, but never felt any better about it afterward.

My transference finally got the better of me, and I went and googled him. I found where he and his boyfriend live, and a couple of other juicy tidbits; but really and truly, nothing very personal at all. I did feel a bit icky after doing it, but I didn't feel guilty at all (what does that say about me....SHOULDN'T I feel guilty about it!?). But in the end, I had to force myself to give me permission to be human. It's just a natural curiosity to want to know more about him when he knows so much about me and all I know about him is his freakin' name; and really, I didn't find out hardly anything. I have not googled him again. Not only would it be an exhausting exercise in futility (because I already went back SEVERAL pages on Google the first time, LOL) and also, because I have to not get too nuts with it because it's very, very easy to land myself in Stalkerville (and possibly The Can after he finds out and calls the police on me, hah).

But really, it's normal to look up someone's address, including our T's. What's NOT normal is knowing where they go in their free time and when and just happening to be there too, climbing a tree to look into their bedroom window with a pair of binoculars George McFly style, and calling their home in the middle of the night and hang up when they answer. THOSE things are crossing a boundary.

You have NOTHING to feel badly about. You did nothing to harm either yourself or your T with the info you found. It was sought out to calm a very natural, very rational curiosity. She obviously means a great deal to you, and you ARE investing a LOT in your relationship with her! Be good to yourself; LOTS of hugs for you!!!