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I saw A yesterday. I didn't want to be there and I guess my mind wasn't really. she wants me to learn to be interdependent rather than dependent or independent. I've decided that I won't call her all week, no matter what happens.
I saw S today. she is amazing, but the one thing that makes it hard to see her is that she is gorgeous. she's tall thin with long blonde hair. now don't get me wrong I'm not attracted to her it's just horrible to sit there seeing how pretty she is while I'm this ugly fat blob.
it's valentines day today. I hate valentines day. I lost my virginity on valentines day. it's was horrible. I didn't want to but I was scared that if I didn't then he would rape me. I was shaking and practically in tears the whole time but he didn't even notice.
i had class this afternoon and there's two girls who keep triggering me. one reminds me of a girl I knew in Melbourne who I had all kinds of issues with, she looks like, dresses like and acts like her. and the other one i think she could be anorexic and that in it's self doesn't trigger me but she says things that do.. like today she said she didn't bring a bottle of water because she wanted to see how long she could go without passing out.
i went to see this means war tonight it was AMAZING.
i walked home from the cinema even though i usually catch bus. i walked through the park and met a nice lady with a dog and talked to her for ages, we only really talked about the dogs but it was nice. it got me thinking about making friends, why is it that i can make friends with a random lady at the park who would have been at least 20years older than me but i can't make friends with anyone at tafe, i have barely even spoken to anyone at tafe. i'm not looking forward to when my family starts asking me about who i've met at tafe.
i feel horrible that i'm 19 and have achieved nothing. i didn't even finished high school. 2 of my best friends from primary school have bought houses! one of them is only 18, the other is 21. a friend i've known since i was 5 who is about a year younger than me and she is really dreamy and takes forever to get things done, she's getting her licence at the moment, everyone assumed that i would get mine way before her but i'm no where near getting mine. i just feel so horrible and insignificant.
all of my friendships are falling apart or already over. i used to be really close to S and i have hardly spoken to her for ages, tonight she started talking to me on fb and then i find out that she lost a baby at 7 weeks 4 weeks ago... i didn't even know that she was pregnant. i feel horrible. all of the people i used to talk to all the time i don't speak to them anymore.
i feel numb and empty.. i just don't know what to do. i want to go away, just me and elsie. i don't know how much longer i can keep it together. it seems i get triggered at the easiest things at the moment, things i don't even understand why. i had to unsubscribe someones blog because every time i read it i get worked up. i just don't know anymore.
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