Granite, I can only speak from my experience, but what I realized is that I learned from my parents to look at the world, others, and myself in ways that were at times unhealthy and made my life more challenging for me. Yes, *I* did this, but it was what I was taught.

An analogy: just like I was taught to speak English from my parents. Had I been taught to speak French, German, or Spanish by my parents and no English and had no means to learn English living in the US, it would have made things tough for me when I started school. Then in school I would have learned English from my teachers and classmates. My life in the US would have become easier.

The way that I was taught to look at the world and process information has indeed caused me pain and it's hard to change these things. *I* am not wrong, these thinking patterns make my life more challenging, so I have the opportunity to decide whether to change them. I look at other people whose behavior patterns and calmness with themselves I admire and I want to be like that - seem to have less pain in interactions (not that their lives are ideal, etc.). I always wondered, "what's wrong with me?" So I get what you're feeling, but then I realized with some hard work I can change the way I think and stop fighting w/ myself and others.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. For a while I blamed my parents - so angry at them for teaching me these negative patterns. I still am kind of mad, but I realized they didn't know any better. I want to be happier, less negative than they are hence I go to therapy to unlearn and relearn.

I hope that this helps and yes, it's scary as hell... Don't fight those scared feelings, they're natural.... The question is what will you do next? Could you try the CBT exercises out for a few days?