my bf and I are having 'space' whilst he is far away visiting family for three weeks. I broke up with him before he left, because I felt so unbelieveably insecure about myslef, and that how would he ever stay faithful, why would he come back to me when he could meet some beautiful woman over there. bla bla then I regretted it, and we halfway reconciled before he left. He has told me he is still commited to, in love with me, and that he considers himself with me while he's away, but we are not talking during this time, to attempt to take care of ourselves, and right some wrong thought processes we both have independently: him being a middle child pleaser saying no when he means yes, and me being a maninipulative insecure person seeking approval from him all the time...
I find myself in a good space more often now that it's been a week and a half, but am having a lot more anxiety sporadically... I wake up anxious My chest feels tight sometimes, I can't breathe well. It' s not ev en when I am actively thinking about things, it's just.. there.

I have learned that I HATE not knowing how things will turn out. I don't know how to exist in the 'grey'. I am trying to change the automatic negative thoughts, the entirely made up stories about a future event that hasn't even happened.. bt it's tough.

I feel very anxious. I am worried that I will not be in a good place when this person I love returns, and I will blow it all over again, after he said to me, 'I am willing to put myself out there again for you, but.. things have to change. I am totally in l ove with you but at the same time I feel some relief not being with you the way we were'.

ug. I know people have bigger problems. I feel petty for needing so much help, but my body is not responding well to this anxiety., and that's not healthy.

How in the world does one develop self confidence?? I mean, is it either you have it or you don't? Will I be able to change my thoughts if I want to? Can it really happen?