(((justme55)))

Sorry that you are in such pain. Your post sounds as though you get some pleasure out of writing. You write very well, btw.

I used to write very dark poems when I was around 20, to relieve some of the misery. It helped a little bit. While I honestly felt what I wrote, it did chop the edge of the needle. The pain became less sharp and less suffocating. I didn't like it ~ but I could breathe. Know what I mean?

You may want to look into relieving some of that pain through music, drawing, coloring, physical exercise, cleaning, cooking, and writing. After you write about your self-hate and resentment for a while, take a little break. Listen to music and dance; clean or cook like crazy; take a long fast walk; etc.

Gentle hugs sent your way....