Quote:
Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions
I had my T session today....and I shared with him a conversation I had with a friend of mine yesterday. My friend and I made a commitment to go to the gym this year, and I am proud to say that I have gone 25 out of the last 28 days. We are both overweight, and she said that she sometimes stands butt naked and checks out her body....and makes affirmations, critiques herself and decides on what needs work, etc.
I immediately cringed and told her that I avoid looking in the mirror at all costs. I also told her that I wonder, sometimes, how people can even want to be friends with me....(because I find myself so repulsive).
T said that I have a distorted view of myself and that it's inaccurate...and that those who have experienced trauma have a tendency to take it out on their bodies...and that sometimes we take feelings from the inside and somehow apply it to our physical selves.
I asked T how to figure out where this stems from...and he said to try to pay attention to those feelings when they come up...and be open to allowing myself to sit with those feelings and allow my mind to create images....which will lead me closer to understanding where they came from.
I can't imagine that I am alone in feeling this way....so I'm wondering if anyone else can relate to this....and if they've ever overcome it...and how...
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YES. I can relate to this.
***TRIGGER TRIGGER TRIGGER.***
Sorry, I just…I can really relate...
On the one hand, alongside the physical abuse and watching my parents fight, I realize I also absorbed a lot of my dad’s negative and demeaning commentary about black people – self-hatred passed on to me from him, that he learned from his parents/family and so on. I did – and do still – walk around thinking I am dirty with skin the colour of rotten piles of ****, because I have grown up with the idea of either lighter is better, or that darker is purer. The medium brown skin tone I have is just blah… I do also remember times when my dad would pass by, see me, and call out “FIXYOUSELF!!”. I would figure he meant posture, so I would stand straighter…yet he’d look at me and shake my head and say things like “Don’t flare out your nose so hard” or “Don’t stick out your lip so much”. I’ve always grown up thinking I am just “awkward” and “wrong” looking. Still do think this way….
On the other hand......I call it
that incident/mistake, and all that happened as just more proof of how screwed up I am. My first T called it
sexual assault. (SEE
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showt...=201159&page=6). I remember it being said aloud at least two times… “You got big soft lips”. Or variations thereof (like beautiful...while touching me...) – they were the same race as I am...Being more involved in therapy, I know now that I still overall withdraw from the idea of “being attractive” – except for the rare times about twice a year I give in to friends calling/texting/contacting me on Facebook/begging/pleading for me to come out clubbing because they haven’t seen me in “FOREVER!! And it’ll be fun!!!!” and more or less drag me out shopping to get the outfit, meet me to put on the makeup (cuz I can’t do anything myself besides gloss and fumbling with mascara), and travel all together to the spot, and with some *liquid* courage, have a blast. But then, I have a panic attack the day after and retreat away in absolute embarrassment because I assume I made a complete *** of myself, and figure this is why I should not be out in public EVER AGAIN. Which means there is even more fear and trying-to-avoid-everyone until the next invitation with the cycle repeating again. I also can’t imagine the idea of me dating, or anyone else finding me attractive or pretty or whatever. I’m a mess. Worse, I am a fraud – if anyone else were to get close, intimate, connect with me = they would be disgusted. That is the expectation I have.
So overall, I exist anticipating condemnation over how bad I look, judgement over how much of a fraud I am because I am just a dumb tease, and isolation because I am ugly and “nothing special” anyway. I’m just that raggety screwed up black chick in the corner. These viewpoints of me above are just 2 of many examples of how much of a scattered mess I am. Pretty “bright eyes” or “whatchustarinat miss bug-eyes
”. “Child, you got a lot of nice THICK hair” or “Lawd, WHAT A MESS (i often wrap my hair or wear hats to cover that up).” “Love your style/youre stylish” vs “who are you trying to play/fool/why are you frontin’ with such fakery??” And so on...If it were possible, I would love to have a black female as a T one day to just hear me out…As it stands right now, if asked what do I look like, I just respond with “a mess” and a
I have internalized a lot. I can think of traits that *other* people seem to notice about me. But i don't know what *I* could accept about me, in any way…Since my surgery in January (SEE
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=214567) with all of the preparations before, and recovery afterwards, i have lost some weight. A part of me is like "Yes; new beginning, good start, lets keep on going...". But I am scared; i am a freak...what i could be like later on...what if...
Again, thanks for this thread. Bravo for being able to approach this in T. I have no idea how to address this, because there is A LOT of shame and guilt and disgust and fear and just...
(((to everyone here that can relate too)))
