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Just thinking about things again…
I first wanted children when I was around 13 or 14, so I’ve had a long time to think about this, and there have been times when the thought of my children is the only thing I’ve been able to stick around for.
Especially if any of you had mental illnesses prior to becoming parents, did you fear what kind of parent you would be? Did you question whether or not you’d be able to tolerate or care for a child?
One of my fears is turning into my mother. She started off wanting children and was attentive until I hit double figures and then she became emotionally neglectful. This has commonly been selected as the trigger for my mental illness and the continuing poor relationship and negative atmosphere with her is a major reason for my continuing issues. I really don’t want to stop loving my own children.
What were your fantasies for your future family? Did you ever have a clear picture of what you wanted or was it just a general “I want children and will take it as it comes”? If you did have a strong idea of your “ideal family”, how did reality pan out for you? Are you happy with what you got?
One thing that truly sucks is that I can only have children by adoption. As I will be a single parent, the odds are any children offered to me will be a) older, b) abused c) “undesirables” i.e. not easily adopted for reasons of medical issues and suchlike. C doesn't necessarily bother me, it would be on an individual basis and I wouldn't necessarily know what to do with B, but at least that might be something that can be overcome and live happily ever after.
One of my more petty concerns is that I have in my head all my children’s names and if I got an older child you can’t really rename them. Yeah, I just said that and it sounds pathetic because I feel like I shouldn’t be saying that like I should be so desperate for a child it shouldn’t matter, and I know that in the end a name is just a random word, but it actually does bother me somewhat because I’ve known what their names should be… and as I say, often the thought of these children has been the only thing to live for.
A bigger concern is that I’ve always pictured a large family. I’m aware that is a naïve fantasy created by someone who has never had children and on a practical note, if I’m approved at all (which I don’t suppose I will be) I am likely not to have more than one or two children. That actually makes me pretty sad because I love the idea of actually having five but of course a single parent in this expensive world… not practical… and having dreamed about them for years… which child do you pick to become real and which ones not?
I probably sound quite ridiculous to you all…
In any case I’m not in any position to have children at the moment nor may I ever be, but I guess I’m groping for some ease of mind since this is still the only life event I’m here for and if I lose this one… I have nothing.
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