I think I go to therapy in real life to have something to talk about here, and then I come here online to get help cleaning up the mess and to get real support. I’m afraid it isn’t fair to you all for me to be asking for that on here, except for that I’m not asking anyone in particular and no one has to read it. So, I guess that’s a warning—self serving slimy mess ahead—please switch to another thread now if you’re not totally suited up in a good quality slime-resistant suit. And please don’t start worrying that your own posts are asking too much!!!, especially if you’re Granite or Tree or Stopdog or someone who doesn’t usually post on here, because I absolutely promise you are light years less self serving than this and I’ll be really upset I posted this if you start thinking that .



So therapy yesterday was pretty awful. I told t I brought a letter I had written to my sister a few years ago when a different therapist suggested it, but I hadn’t ever shown it to anyone, even my sister. Then, before I gave it to him, I told him I’ve been feeling somewhat better and I wonder how much I should keep coming to therapy, but I don’t know if I need to be talking about this stuff about my family. He encouraged me to come less often, which is the same as he usually seems to encourage me to do when we reschedule. He said his goal is for me to have what I need in real life and not be paying him for it. Of course that’s my goal too, but I wish he thought the things I’m struggling with mattered enough to be worth talking about first. He very clearly doesn’t. Maybe he's right and I should try to stop thinking about it, but I haven't yet.


The letter was about my miserable relationship with my sister and Mom growing up, and it was apologizing to my 2-years younger sister for physically fighting with her as a child. I told my t several times that I was nowhere close to being able to talk to my sister about that for real. He kept pushing really really hard to talk to her anyway. He told me his older brother used to beat him up as a kid and he wished his brother would have brought it up with him. Instead, as an adult, my t told his older brother how awful it was getting beaten up. So I don’t know if t could display his dislike of me for not apologizing to my sister much stronger.

The reason I’m nowhere close to being able to talk to my sister about it is because she has always been so close to my Mom, and I think my Mom was mean to me growing up. I can’t talk to my sister about what it was like growing up since she’d see it from my Mom’s side, and it still hurts that they didn’t respect or care about me sometimes back then. I didn’t know how to explain the reason I can’t talk to my sister to t during the session. But, I’ve told t about problems with my Mom several times, including several very explicit times in the letter. I also have said several times my sister is closer to Mom. So could t possibly not get it that that’s a problem? Or is it that he thinks my attitude about Mom isn’t fair and he dislikes me for it? Every time I bring it up he seems to ignore it or not care. Once I said that my Mom and I fought a lot growing up and it feels weird interacting with her now, since she just suddenly started being nice when I became an adult. T’s suggestion was just talk to her about what she’s interested in. If he thinks the way the fighting felt matters, he didn't tell. I told him how she got angry and yelled at me when I did something wrong during craft projects, and his comment was, “so that wasn’t resolved.” If he thinks how I felt mattered, he’s not letting on. It's more like him to point out I was lucky she did craft projects with me at all, since a lot of parents wouldn't. I think I'd be happier if she hadn't though. In the letter I said Mom was mean to me growing up, and I said I thought she didn’t like me because I was unpopular. I think I’ve told him that before. Another therapist said Mom was emotionally abusive. For some reason with that therapist I had quickly spilled the worst things I remembered Mom doing. I haven’t told a few of those things to this therapist. This t pretty much always looks at the other person’s side of everything, so I can pretty much count on him sympathizing with my Mom somewhat if I tell him.


I guess I don’t need his validation of my understanding that Mom hurt me intentionally sometimes. I know that. But I’m struggling with whether I can have an honest relationship with her now. She’s old and might not live a lot longer. I wish t could help me figure that out. I also feel stupid to beg him to see my side of it enough to help when it seems he just doesn’t like who I really am very much.


I won’t go to another therapist because I’ve already changed therapists a zillion times and I’ve put in too much time with this one to start over again. I might be able to resolve to end therapy and appreciate the things I got out of it. One of the things I could get out of it would be to trust myself and not to rely on therapy. And maybe to try not to think so much about having a great relationship with parents or therapists who don’t like me that much, when I could be doing other things. But I haven't yet.


I seem to be posting on the faith-in-therapy central website again instead . He rescheduled with me for a month from now. I'm trying to decide about asking him to meet with me sooner so I don't have to worry about it for a month. But I think it probably will get worse if I talk to him, since he always points out the other person's side of things. I'm also thinking about ending therapy like he seems to think I should. So hard to decide.