Hi I'm new here and I'm sorry for what I'm about to write simply because I know it's complicated, I just need to hear that this is all just my own doing and thinking rather than what the alternative would be.

I have been diagnosed with BPD but only very recently started therapy (only 2 sessions into it so far). I've been diagnosed previously for depression and bipolar too and have been on depakote for several years now. My wife and I have known I have issues for a long time and for a little history for you, I spent some time several years ago in an institution for severely cutting my arm with a serrated kitchen knife following an enraged argument with my wife. Other than that one incident I've never been one to "cut" in any kind of a regular manner but yet, the incident wasn't really a suicide attempt either.

So regarding my marriage, of course, my wife has been saying for years that I need to get help (especially following huge arguments like previously mentioned) and I promise to, then things mellow out and I either quit or never get any counseling, then the cycle repeats. In good times she says that I'm a good man and I treat her well but then at other times, when I'm raging or panicking (fear abandonment issues, possessiveness, etc) She's said multiple times, "I'm done" or something about leaving. We've been married almost 13 years now so it's been a long time coming. I should have seen it but I have been in denial.

In short, it's come to this: We are separating. She has said and done a few things that are confusing to me. One thing is that she has a friend (a 20 yr old guy) from her school online that she went to for awhile, she's been chatting with online and has most recently begun traveling out of state to (3 hours away) for the purposes of going to concerts, and has hung out with him and his brother a few times and their mother a few times too. I've always had a problem with it being a guy she's hanging with anyway but she insists that it's just a friendship and that she just goes there to hang out and have some freedom for short times. I worry on and off that it's more than that, but it may be in my mind only and having been cheated on by my first wife it doesn't help things.

So over the years, it is true, I've kept her from seeing people, being one with serious social phobia, she's accommodated me by really isolating herself too, and with this recent activity, she says it's that she just needs to take care of herself for once and he just happens to be a guy. Part of her reason for the separation is because of my intolerance of her outside relationships - especially the friend out of state.

To her defense, I've also witheld sex from her for long periods (no I haven't cheated on her in case you wonder) of time and have only recently worked on my issues in bed. She's been responsive and it's been the most active time we've ever had lately (since the impending separation). She is also (when I'm not fearful and raging/panicking) affectionate and acts like she's still wanting to be my wife..

She says -- her only reason for the separation is to get me to "do what I need to do" and only to protect herself from if I fail to follow through again. Considering the situation, should I 1. Be worried about her friend in the other state and 2. that her real plan (my fear) is just to get me out of the house to work on divorcing me?

Please tell me what you think, I know it'd just be your opinion..

TBH, she's right, I need something to motivate me to change but I fear so often that she'll divorce me on the day she's able to or... I'll fail anyway and she'll have to.

Thanks for reading this long post.