Sorry this is so long, but I want to hold on to the feelings of my session before I forget!

I wish all my sessions could be like today though it was awfully difficult. I'm patting myself on the back for working hard. oops, is there a "patting yourself on the back" smile?

First of all, the money issue was no problem at all. We didn't even have to discuss it. Then, she asked if I brought my email in which I wrote "what I would tell my preteen part about growing up". Of course I did because I thought maybe I would read it. Sure enough, that's what she asked me to do. I immediately said "I can't!" because I hate the anatomy words! She got me to realize I don't hate them; I'm just embarrassed. So I pondered what would be the worst thing that would happen, and I said "I'd blush" but I already was so that was taken care of.

So, she suggested, for the first time, letting me hold the EMDR buzzers to help calm me. Then I started reading (it was just a couple of paragraphs) and halted at the list of words. My T said I don't have to read them but I of course said I want to. So I did. Gulp. I didn't die. Then, what do you think she did? Asked me to read it again, saying we were doing a little exposure therapy. So I did, and it was a little easier. Then, she had me read it a 3rd time! I did it!!!! She really liked what I wrote, BTW, and we had a little discussion about whether Moms would really tell their daughters some of it. That's for another thread with a trigger, though.

After this success, we did EMDR about her saying "no" last session, about me not thinking that my feelings were important. We talked some about how I don't remember crying except twice in my life, while I was growing up, and I don't remember being comforted. We didn't talk about feelings in my house; we hid them. I wasn't punished for having them, but was never encouraged to tell my parents how I felt.

T asked if I ever cried in therapy. She had forgotten that I told her "never". She said that sometimes she sees that I'm close to tears and wanted to know what stops me from crying. I really don't know except that I'm not used to expressing my feelings with other people, as I wrote above. She told me it's okay to cry in my session, and I said, "I know. If I ever do, we'll have a party!" She also wants me to drop the burden of feeling like I can't tell anyone my feelings. I guess she meant other than her! But I responded that, when I do, I still don't get comforted. My H doesn't respond to feelings. I do have a close friend who will, though. I also said to my T that I told her my feelings and what I wanted last week, but she said no and did NOT comfort me.

She apologized for saying no and explained that it was to help me (I forgot the rest of what she said). I know it's because I need to talk to my parts, not her. The only frustrating part of the EMDR work was that when I finally started to feel the devastated feeling that I felt when she said "no" last week, it was almost time to stop and I didn't get to stay with that feeling. Or, maybe it was when I almost cried so she asked me about crying. It was productive, anyway.

Before we stopped, she gave me a "Valentine's Day present." A little polished stone heart, not red, but earth tones. She probably gave one to everyone, but I love it! It's the first thing she's ever given me, and was a surprise. That almost made me cry! Then, I asked if I could hold her hand and that was all right with her, for just a few minutes.

I feel so warm and connected to my T, in spite of the session being about ME. I didn't cry in the car and I still feel good. I haven't even emailed her yet!