When I was 12 years old I wanted to die. I had a plan. I had a letter. I was going to do it. My plan was destroyed...that's another story. I think I've gone back there. I don't have a letter...but I know an easy way to end it. There is tons of medication in my house. All I have to do is take it...not hard, choke down some pills...pass out..die. Although I don't really think that I want to die...I want my pain to end. I want the [censored] to end. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of dealing. I don't want to do it anymore. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that my sister, dad, and mom need me. My mom is sick, and my sister relies on me...mostly. That's really all that is keeping me here. I don't really have any friends...at least not ones that would particurally care if I were gone. I have dreams, I put myself to sleep, dreaming of dying. I dream that I take a ton of pills, and chase them w/ vodka. Then I cut myself to pieces. And I lay there and die, in my own blood... This is my way of going to sleep. It puts me to sleep. That is sad, but true. I used to have joy in my heart. Now it's just empty. I have to pretend all day everyday. I don't know what's wrong with me. I have all this stuff to be happy about, but I'm not. I am miserable. I have to push everything back, and just try to deal. It doesn't work so well, and this is where the cutting comes in. And lots of it. I act like I'm happy, but I'm not. I feel no joy. I don't know what that is. I can't feel anything, except emptiness. And the emptiness is what is killing me. I am dying from the inside out. And my ouside wants to kill the thing that is eating away at my inside. Blood is all that can kill it away, and that is not even working anymore. *sigh*

I am sorry for ranting...but I just don't know where else to turn. I can't talk to anyone, because they will worry..and I can't handle people worrying about me. Anyway....

[b] Wake me up inside...I can't wake up...Save me...Save me from the nothing I've become!!![b]