I sent my therapist an email last night to let her know what I was feeling and what we would need to work on today. When I got there, she asked me where I wanted to start (Hate that question!). I told her I didn't know, so she pulled up the email I had sent her. She asked me how I was feeling about finding her address. I told her that it wasn't bothering me so much anymore, but I wanted to know if it was bothering her.

She was like, "No, its okay. It's not something that I really want my clients to know, but it is easy to find if they really want to know." Then she looked at me like, "Okay, now what would you like to talk about?" So, she didn't think anything about it at all? She wanted to know what made me get so panic stricken about it. That is what we worked on today. Why do I go to such an extreme level of anxiety when I think I have done something wrong? Why do I automatically think I am going to be rejected and tossed aside?

I can't answer that, but it is true. There are things that can send me to a level of anxiety that I know is WAY over the top. But I can't stop it. This is what we will work on. How to stop those thoughts before they get out of hand. She told me that when she read my email, she didn't know what to think. I told her that I had something to tell her, but it would upset her and I didn't know if I should because she may kick me out of therapy.

She said that when she first read it, she thought, "What in the world could it be? Is she stalking my kids?" Then she said that she told herself, "This is Squiggle. It is probably nothing and she is beating herself up about it for no reason." She talked about the fact that the fear of rejection is a core issue for me and we needed to work on it. I was like "We have been working on it for 2 years! Don't tell me I haven't tried!".

She calmed me down and acknowledged all of the progress I have made. She named specific incidents where I was able to work through them without having an anxiety attack. But, she also told me that I have yet to be able to tell myself that it is okay to be upset about what happened in my first marriage.

The was no real abuse. He was just contolling and I was in a religion that was very controlling. No one intentionally set out to hurt me, they just thought their way was the 'right way to God'. I felt like I could never meet up to those standards and always felt that I was not good enough. I can't blame them for what I was feeling.

This is where she tells me that blame is not what we are talking about. Hurt is the issue. Intentionally or not, people can get hurt by the actions of others. It's not so much about 'who' hurt me, as it is about the effects of the wound. I guess this makes sense? Maybe she is right? I don't know. This therapy stuff gets so complicated!

With all that being said, my session was great. Very relaxed and easy. I had no problem making eye contact. I did tell her that I googled her address and saw her house. She didn't act like that was any big deal. I am glad that its over with.

Thanks to all of you for helping me get through this.