I talked with T today. The depression word and anti-depressants came up. I am puzzled as to why because I haven't lost my sense of hope in over two weeks. Why did she bring this subject up when I think I have been being more positive in our sessions the last two times. Did I outlast the diagnosis like I thought I might? I don't know why I am having trouble sleeping and cry a lot. But, I don't want to call it depression. My nickname for it is runchy enough. Cry baby from the blue lagoon. Besides, I didn't cry at all during our session today. It's just that I am a negative thinker and always have been (Dysthymic Disorder). So, I can out negative think anyone that I know in real life, of course. Here, you all are just as odd as me. I like that. I mean I can go without crying for a few days. A week just makes my emotions get all stuffed up.
I have even managed to be able to plan a little. I couldn't seem to plan much of anything for awhile. I don't think about the guilt thing to do with my great aunt's death much anymore.
I just hate not knowing what is going to happen at work and the sense of no control over my job. I mean my company is being sold.
School is almost out for the semester though. I do fun things and have fun some. It just doesn't last like normal happy does. But, I am not depressed. I just hate my job, apartment, my tiny weeny collection of friends and my odd tendency to cry a lot. AAAAAAAAAAAAA!
As for anti-depressants, I tend to think if I need to take drugs for my moods then I am really screwed up (please understand that I am not trying to insult any of you). I just don't like to think of myself as a mental patient or something. I have a headache. I know that I tend to share the negative things rather than the positive. Besides, I have never had the positive thinking side go off line like it did. It is back on line now, but not fully functional. My reality testing, negative thinking corrections, positive thinking tricks and regular attempts at fun don't work much. But, I am sure they will soon. Maybe after my company's sell is complete and I get rid of the guilt to do with my great aunt's death. Maybe, I can figure out how to get some friends or something.