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Wow! haier...!
This subject is always near. What has helped me is remembering some happy aspects of life...Sunrises, Sunsets, someday getting and caring for a pet...dog or cat. i ask do i want to throw away all my chances at happiness? Do i want to give up smelling the flowers? Do i want to give up making art? Or do i just want to pain to ease long enough to catch my breath? Sometimes i want to punish myself...i think i am so unworthy...but then i ask myself do i want to give up the chance to make amends?
i do not condemn those who make this choice. i am just very sad in most cases. Those who are sick with a terminal illness i believe should be able to go when he or she is ready and able before the illness makes it impossible to do anything. That way the person can pass with some dignity. i know from being a life guard, that the body can only tread water for so long before the muscles cannot function any longer. Many who consider the big S are people who have been drowning for a while in a cold ocean. Sometimes mentally one cannot hold on...fatigue takes over and clouds the mind and eyes. Hopefully others can step in and give you a life preserver or a log to hang onto. Unfortunately, though, sometimes the help comes too late and the person is lost forever. It is sad, but i do not think it is selfish. Even when some try to hurt others by hurting themselves...it is misguided anger and hurt. Those that drowned when the Titanic sank...i do not blame them for not surviving. Thus i do not blame those that die by their own hand. Drowning is drowning. The truth is sometimes you cannot save the person...it is just a very sad fact. haier's brother was someone that was lost...taken over the cold waters of the ocean. Thank heavens haier was rescued in time.
haier, i hope you know you may not have been able to help your brother. i imagine he loved you a great deal and did not plan to hurt you. He just was not able to hang on like you. And perhaps he was too invested in hiding his pain when it was clearer you were in a lot of pain too. Whatever, he was thinking, i am sad too that he was not able to hold onto anyone or anything. i am glad however, that you survived to share how painful it is for those left behind when such decisions are successfully carried out.
A gentle hug to you haier. Thank you for sharing your story. i will try to remember it when the pain is too much and i want to give up.
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