Hey all. It has been a bit since I posted as I do not have internet and can only get on periodically. So here it is....

Growing up I was taught I was an evil person and have struggled with faith and was also in a church that well, lets just say did not help the thought process of being evil. So now I have been led back to a new denomination through my niece and nephews who I am working with so much as they have been influenced by the same person that abused me. Things are workling out since I called DCF and all that.

Is it hard for others to see hate in the world? To see kids in a church setting ready to lash out and there is nothing you can do about it because you are just a secondary person?

It happened last night and I am now struggling again with me. I am blaming,shaming, and guilting myself for speaking up about the kids. I did not point fingers just made a suggestion. Also my partner who also workd with the kids made a suggestion and instead of being asked when was being implemented, I felt it was taken offensively, and feel scolded for speaking up. I am new to the borderline dx and have read a lot and see it is more me, even though the professionals I had worked with for the past 4 years says no. Since the beginning of 2010 many new professionals say yes. And in reading it corralates to my other dx as some borderlines come from a dysfunctional home of abuse and that is my life in a nutshell.

Oh also are there any one out there on strattera for BPD. I do not respond to ssri and often get harmful side effects from them. My pdoc is having me try strattera. It has been a week and I do see some changes and I know I will not see a lot for at least another week or until they stableize the right amount for me. I googled and saw that strattera is used for some with BPD and I was just wondering how it has helped or hindered others out there.

I am haveing this strong urge to run. I know part of it stems from last night but I am also opening myself up to some new safe people and it is scaring me as I always worry of what people think of me so I wear masks of everything is fine so noone know who crappy i feel inside. Yet the crappy is overwhelming me and I fear I cannot hide it much longer. I am awaiting my appointment with a new therapist who specializes in trauma and BPD, its still over a week away. I feel i am going to burst with emotions and am working hard at not using my unhealthy outlets to relieve the stress. Any thoughts? This is my only safe place to talk about whats going on in my head as I have no outside people I can trust at the moment. I am even weary of my past therapist, that she will say I am decompensating.