Well, I have come to some kind of resolution, at least for now.

In some twisted way I felt that I deserved to feel guilty and deserved to be punished. I felt if I was to forgive myself or even try to stop the guilty feelings I was somehow saying that the things I had done wrong and felt guilt over were now excused or made not wrong. I have spent a lot of time thinking, writing and praying about this, and lots of time in therapy too. Perhaps I do deserve to have vengeance taken on me, however, I have come to a realization that vengeance is not mine, it is not my responsibility. I have plenty of responsibilities, some even relate to actions in my checkered past, but I think I will let God take care of vengeance.

Warning: this is blandantly religious!

In the Bible, God says, ”Vengeance is mine I will recompense.” I have decided I am not God and I will not take on His job any more. I confessed everything that I have been beating myself up over, to Him and also confessed the self-abuse. I am going to try and live from now on as if these debts are settled. When the opportunity arises to make good on one of these past failings to the people I failed or did wrong to I will accept it and try to make it right. But I am not going to continue to live in the sad, guilty land of self-hate. As I have thought about it I saw that it is not helping anyone – those I hurt or myself—I haven’t helped them and I have hindered my own life. So, it is time to let go, let God and get on with life. I don’t expect that I will be prefect with this but I already feel the most amazing lightness and freedom. I hope I have made this plain enough that it is worth sharing with all of you.

~D~
"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." -Harriet Braiker