I don't know why I feel like this, but in my session I feel like we're working good. Getting T work done. Kinda feel like its wrapped up good.

Then....car ride home. My head is spinning, words that were exchanged in therapy are floating in my head so loud.. Kinda feel like crying...but I can't! && I have a few days to be like this till next time! I HATE IT

This session is weird. I told him last week I walked out feeling 'whole' like I got something outta that session I haven't before. He said good, he wants me to be getting stuff out of our sessions, but he doesn't know if every session can be like that. I said that's ok..

I joked around that I'm getting an 'attachment disorder' w/ him. As in I countdown the days till I see him again. He seemed...hmmmm worried I think? Idk his eyes got bigger. I think concerned actually.

He asked if I had anymore dreams about him & I said no (& I really haven't) he asked I feel a connection to him and I was so taken aback by his question I kinda just superficially anwsered 'yeah' I don't know where he was going with this. He seemed concerned. I don't know if he thinks I'm getting too attached...
I feel like I should have kept my mouth shut.

No I'm waiting in my car & I wrote him ANOTHER email! Another damn email!! It's been less than one hour! If he didn't think I had a problem before, he surely will now.

I don't know why I do this to myself. Honestly I just wanna quit. This is getting too much for me. T tries to get me to open up, get connected, then you do and it's some big taboo? Great and even better I have to sit with this **** all weekend.

I'm sure some of u are curious my email so here it is. I don't know if he's even gonna respond. Usually I send him angry emails, lol. Fml.fml.fml.
fml!!!!

K hope u don't think this is 'psycho' since we just got done w/ my sesh. *My heads kinda spinning & I just need u to hear me out..hopefully I'll feel better.
Anyway I wanted to clear up some stuff. I hope u don't think I have some sort of attachment disorder or whatever with u. *I said it jokingly but yeah I do sometimes countdown the days....is that bad? *The look on ur face seemed concerned? Idk scared kinda. I mean i see u 2x a week how can I not think bout it. *Yeah im excited to go lol. Its the only place i can show up good, bad, suicidal, so hyper & it stays the same. Where else can i do thAt?? Anyways idk if that's a problem cause aren't therapists scared of their clients becoming too attached or whatever? (not that that's me)
& u asked if I felt a connection to u. I do, at first like a superficial one but the last few sessions more cause I think I'm seeing you do maybe care bout me as a client and ur telling me a lil bout ur life is helping me like whoa he does trust me to say some things (or maybe u tell every patient who knows) & whatever else ur doing is helping so yeah I feel more 'connected' or 'attached' than earlier but it's not obsessive or anything near that if that's what ur worried bout. I'll just quit if I felt like that so don't worry I'm not gonna get all stalker on u. *To be honest tho, now that I'm feeling more of a connection with u I'm fighting it. I don't wanna feel close to you cause I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get hurt by u in some way. N by that like u getting a 'cold' w/ me or the dreaded termination letter or idk somethig else. So I don't wanna have that close connection that I read about-that scares the **** outta me.*
After I said that thing about attachment u seemed very worried? I was just being honest but right then I felt like I shoulda kept my mouth shut. Idk this is all so confusing. See I even cried on the way home. U wouldn't have guessed that huh?! Well i don't know...maybe I should not entertain any thoughts of therapy that float in my mind in between sessions, n if I do have another dream of u in it (which I haven't thank god) not even say ****, or idk maybe just fuken quit therapy.*
Like the little bit I let on I feel a connection to my therapist or whatever its like u freak out w/ facial expressions?*
Idk. Idk what to do anymore.*
Sorry for long email after our session. Feel free to bill my insurance for you wasting ur time reading this.*

Thanks,