I'm having a rough time handling everything in my life. It is a tough time, but it's also been a tough time for a while. I've alienated friends, retreated more into my shell, and I know that I could/should do more to help myself. But it's just so hard and sometimes I don't feel like I can function in this world and then suicidal thoughts creep in because I feel like I'll never be able to be happy in my life. I feel so broken and have lost faith.

And I'm leaning quite a bit on my T through this and I'm not sure if this is good for several reasons. First, I don't want to push her away. Second, is she a false sense of security? We are close and I also know that our relationship is bounded in time (while we work together) and space (her office, occasional phone calls, more frequent emails). Am I trying hard enough without her help?

I feel embarrassed and needy toward my T and in general. When will my life turn around? I am trying and I don't want my T to think I'm not. Or am I trying? I just get so upset and overwhelmed... and I don't even feel like I can express myself here. I feel like I'm better when trying to help someone else, but when it comes to myself, I'm all vague and close up.