I had session today and I continue to be amazed. When T came out to get me and said, "Chopin, you ready?" I walked up to her in the hall, looked her in the eye and said, "no," with a straight face. She didn't remember the joke from last session (what would she do if I said no...she would look at me funny and tell me bye) but admittedly it was just in passing. She asked, "No? You're not? Are you having a bad day? Do you not want to be here?" I walked past her into the office and said, "I'm teasing you." She said, "Then get in my office, sit down, and shut up!" Note: I knew she was teasing back. However, it did start a discussion of the "25 things not to say to someone in crisis". She didn't find it funny either. One reason: in the last CE ethics class she took, the instructor gave an example of a T who was sued...because he conducted sessions with females...at his home. In his hot tub. Naked. The T won the case by saying it was a particular type of therapy.

I talked quite a bit about work. It's shop talk and really wouldn't help anyone else.

Then I asked her four questions.

1. I know I'm going to be talking about some really troubling subject matter soon. If I become really upset, what will you do?
She said she will be there with me. She will pray for me while it's happening. She will let me know I'm not alone. She said she will not comfort me and that will be hard for her and it is always hard for her. She said I have to feel the feelings to work through it and she cannot make it easier or better. Not exactly what I want to hear, but I know she is right.

2. If I am talking about a disturbing subject, will you sit next to me?
She said she didn't have a problem with it on a surface level, but wanted to know why I want her to do that. I told her so I wouldn't feel alone. She said that made sense; however, she knows my desire to have someone's shoulder to lean on and worries that's what I'll expect even though she cannot do that in this process. She said she also worries if she thinks it's not good for me and changes her mind, I'll think she's rejecting me when she's not. I told her I trust her judgement.

3. When did you realize my problems were more than surface issues? What clued you in?
She said that as she got to know me, that she realized how hard I was trying to hold it all together. That I was determined not to let her in. She said I would crack very rarely, then scramble to reverse back to impenetrable. She said rather candidly that no one would come to therapy for the issues I was talking about. She said it seemed to her I wanted to get to the healing part without having to process anything. She said she really wanted to push me, but knew if she did, she'd lose me. She said she prayed and prayed for me.

Which led to my last question...and the most beautiful, meaningful, compassionate thing anyone has ever said to me. I took it in stride when she said it, but once I got in the car, it impacted me more than anything else she has said in almost a year of therapy.

4. Why did you decide to take a risk and open yourself up to me, despite the personal and professional risks?
She said, "Because you're worth more than the risks."

I know what the risks are. I have to think about interactions with my own clients. As much as I dearly love them, could I say any one of them is worth the risk? Would I risk losing my career for one of them? I don't know if I could say that.

She is also an admitted control freak who has her own issues with faith, but she chose to have faith in me. She thinks I'm worth it.

No one has ever said anything like that to me. No one. She thinks more of me than I do.