Thanks, Chopin. It is absolutely a high wire... The suicidal feelings sometimes come too easily for me (or what seems that way) and that's when I get scared - when I feel hopeless about everything. On a good day, I know that her holding me for an entire session isn't the best thing, but the rest of the time I want this and think it'd magically make things better...

She called back - a little later than usual, but she did and she was very calming. She was patient, didn't open up with "Why are you calling?" (not that she ever does, but I get scared that I'm bothering her). We talked for 15 mins and she asked at the end if I was feeling better and if it was helpful. It was. Like precious things said, for now I'm not going to second guess calling her, just accept that this is what I needed and accept it.