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Originally Posted by eastcoaster
I'm having a rough time handling everything in my life. It is a tough time, but it's also been a tough time for a while. I've alienated friends, retreated more into my shell, and I know that I could/should do more to help myself. But it's just so hard and sometimes I don't feel like I can function in this world and then suicidal thoughts creep in because I feel like I'll never be able to be happy in my life. I feel so broken and have lost faith.
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For me, the scariest part of this sentence is the "alienating friends" bit. It sounds like cutting off support is one of the worst things that you can do for yourself right now and is probably making you want to strongly lean on your T. I can understand it though.
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And I'm leaning quite a bit on my T through this and I'm not sure if this is good for several reasons. First, I don't want to push her away. Second, is she a false sense of security? We are close and I also know that our relationship is bounded in time (while we work together) and space (her office, occasional phone calls, more frequent emails). Am I trying hard enough without her help?
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She is a lifeline, and that is okay. I don't think that it is a false sense of security, while friends sometimes are. I have read your other posts about wanting your T to be your mom so I am curious - would you try as hard to help yourself if you couldn't tell her about it? Are you helping yourself for her benefit? Sometimes I feel like I make healthy choices purely so I can tell her/others that I made those healthy choices. She may set boundaries with you but I feel like T's are, except in extreme circumstances, unconditional support - which is something that we with the messed up families fall into very quickly.
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I feel embarrassed and needy toward my T and in general. When will my life turn around? I am trying and I don't want my T to think I'm not. Or am I trying? I just get so upset and overwhelmed... and I don't even feel like I can express myself here. I feel like I'm better when trying to help someone else, but when it comes to myself, I'm all vague and close up.
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To me, this paragraph bleeds confusion and desperation. I am very sorry that whatever is going on in your life is making you feel this way. I often feel more grounded when I am helping someone else out as well - sometimes it reminds me to see beyond the immediate troubles. When it comes to myself, I keep changing my mind about what motivates my behavior.