Hi Snap66 and Zenster and thank you for your replies.
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I would think to have a professional rule out whats is and what's not would be a welcomed relief for you rather than come up with three conditions that come to mind...(hopefully, that hasn't come across in a rude manner )
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Snap66 I don't think you were rude and I understand why you would say that. I didn't fill you all in completely bc I was just pulling choppy thoughts from my mind.
I am under the care of a psychiatrist since 2007. Recently however, since I have not been working properly I am without insurance and can't afford my own just yet. I haven't been able to see my pshyc or T in over 2 months. I'm gonna go insane before I see them. I have been treated and had CBT for Bipolar in the past but things got under control with meds some and then the anxiety became the major beast. It just came and took control. All the depression I had before was replaced by short circuiting in my brain (that's what it feels like to me). We've been dealing with the anxiety for so long now that we haven't addressed any of the other issues.
So you are right that I haven't had a pshyc diagnose me with AvPD yet, but there is no doubt in my mind that she will once I spill all my secrets. There is so much that she simply does not know about that she should. I think I can do it now. It makes it easier to face them when I can be validated by knowing there is a reason I've been keeping them, something that is bigger than me. I also think I'm definately suffering from more than one condidtion. Things overlap in me for sure. I really don't care so much about the labels. I am a medical professional too, so I do try to take a step back and see it that objective way. All I want is to know specifically that SOMETHING is wrong, and attack those issues and help myself to deal with life in a better way.
And then there is the fact that I have been avoiding telling anyone how I feel for so long. I have this secret inside my head world that I'M really only starting to understand that I have. All I knew is that I just kept calling it anxiety and I didn't understand how someone that can make it through college and vet school, and then go through Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome beginning in my clinical year of vet school, could wreck her career by failing to go to work and sabotaging her career!!! How can I be that strong but not be strong enough to overcome the overwhelming anxiety that keeps me from performing my job.????!!! Well obviously I don't feel that I had AvPD in school. Well, actually, I'm avoiding again. I really did have it, but I didn't let it control the major aspects of my life, just some smaller parts of life. Small but important as I see now.....
Right now I'm accepting that my career isn't what it should be, but that is because I'm scared of it and avoiding it. If I ever do feel like my old self again I know I will be devastated bc it was my life and my happiness.... Maybe it's better that I never feel the loss...
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and let me say you seem very organized and intelligent and considerate. Those are beautiful qualities.
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Thank you Zenster. That was really nice of you to say.
How do you and your husband cope with this? Right now there is tension with us bc I did something that I admit now seems dumb but I still have a driving force to defend myself about it. We are so behind on bills. We are living paycheck to paycheck right now. The good news is that I got a good job with the government that I start in less than a month. More on that later. The point is that I sortof decided on my own that we would save money this past couple of months by not paying our insurance premiums for a couple of months and go without until I get on the new insurance the job provides immediately. My break in coverage won't be long enough to worry about pre-existing condition so I thought I would get away with it. Well he pulled a muscle in his back yesterday at work. It could be a lot worse. He is hurting but he can still move around. I told him we could fork out $40 for the exam and get him some meds but he's still pissed and going on about what if we get into a car accident or something. And I know he is technically right. I know I'm probably not thinking about this with the right frame of mind but I just think sometimes you can't afford the luxury of insurance when you can't pay your effing rent. But he's pissed bc he thinks I made a stupid decision without him. I get that. But how do I get him to realize that I make some decisions in the BACK of my head and I don't really let my conscious self know what I'm doing. That's what we do right? We talk ourselves into what makes us feel safe, right? How do I get him to see that I am sick. He doesn't really look at it that way. I think he worries that I am turning into a person he doesn't know. And I'm afraid he's right.... I don't know what to do to prevent losing him. I think he will get more mad at me. There's so much he doesn't know.... I don't know how to help him help me. He can be really sweet and sensitive sometimes but other times he's all about tough love and lessons and I'm very scared of that side of him. I'm so afraid that he will just get so mad and decide I am screwing up his life and that he will leave bc it's what is best for him.
And I think his mom will help him decide if you know what I mean. She doesn't like it that her boy didn't marry someone successful and rich like she wanted....
I've got strikes against me and I need to get back ahead in the count... Any advice on him? Anyone?
Doc