Quote:
Originally Posted by Lauru
Thank you. But I don't think there is hope or help. My T and pdoc are great and have helped me so much. I just am too tired now. It has been a long time, a really long time. I was in group T the other night and someone mentioned she had a picture of herself from before when she was doing really good and that she wanted to get back to the person she was. I don't have a pic like that. I have never been doing good, not even as a small child. And that is so infinitely sad to me. There does not exist a pic of me when I was happy or doing good. That time has never materialized for me. At some point you just gotta say, enough. I give up. I'm tired of trying. I accept that it will never get better. I accept my fate. And I do.
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I know that exhausted feeling so well. In my case it does eventually ease up but like you, I don't have a happy time or place to get back to, I don't have any idea of how to picture some future where things are okay because I've never had that, not even as a young child. My T's great and helps so much too but she recently said something about how I'm able to hold on to some hope if someone else (like her) has some for me but otherwise I don't have any. I've only had support and help for 3 years of my life and hope is SO hard to hold onto. I remember recently describing to my T how tired I felt and she suggested I have a certain amount of time each day when I don't have to try. I don't know if it helped, maybe a little, the idea that because I'm so exhausted I let myself fall, stop, whatever and then I go back to the exhausting fight. Although recently my T's taken to saying "give up then"!
Gee thanks T. Though she of course doesn't want me to give up I'm still not sure I love hearing that.