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jaxter23 · Feb 18, 2012, 04:20 PM

So a lot has happened this week and I’m just having a hard time coping and figuring stuff out. I figured seeing my T today would help, but it didn't

I once again I got into an argument with my T (aka her talking to me calmly and me getting really frustrated with what she was telling me). I’ve had issues with my best friend lately. She disappeared when I got diagnosed with BPII and I figured she had a lot on her plate and just needed space for awhile. My T said that was ok if I wanted to look at it like that for a bit and has always asked me whats going on with her because it changes every week. She has also suggested many times before that I cut my best friend out of my life for good. Well this week my best friend texted me saying she missed me which got my hopes up. I responded and never heard back. This has been going on for months and when I told my T what happened this week, she once again suggested taking a break and walking away. Basically my best friend has been toying with me and throwing me on an emotional rollercoaster for the past few months, which just adds to the BP. I recognize that and yet I can’t walk away because she is pretty much the only person I have let in. She taught me to trust and now that she walked away I feel like I can’t let people in anymore. Every time she does this to me, I go through some type of emotional spiral. This time wasn’t so bad cuz as bad as it sounds, I’m getting used to being treated like this and I expect it from her.

Besides that, I started my first real job this week. I’m fresh out of college and have no experience, but this company threw me right in without training. I became very frustrated very quickly and came home crying almost every day. All week I’ve felt worthless and like a complete failure. I told my T that and she said she expected it cuz everyone feels like that with their first job. She told me I need to work on self confidence, which is diminished cuz my dad is really hard on me and I have a bunch of other stuff working against me.

What I didn’t tell my T, but I wish I had is that I have been having a lot of suicidal and SI thoughts this week. I’m not really depressed, just overwhelmed, anxious, and just want all these feelings and pain to go away. Usually I’m ok, but then out of nowhere I want everything to be over. I want to curl up and cry and hide until it passes. I know this isn’t normal, but I got so frustrated with my T today that I didn’t want to let her in like that. I don’t see her until Thursday, so I can’t talk to her until then. I don’t really call her cuz she isn’t very good about calling back and once again I don’t want to let her in like that. I know that seems dumb, but I’m scared and feel pathetic and like I have no reason to feel like this. I just feel stupid and overwhelmed at my job and I feel like I screwed up the one good relationship I had. I feel like no one gets that. The best way to explain my best friends relationship and mine is we are sisters or that we are pretty much like Winnie the Pooh and Piglet. That’s what she always called us because we were so close and now we are nothing and everyone tells me to give up and part of me wants to, but if there is a chance to have my best friend back I don’t want to miss it.

I guess I’m just a little lost and scared since my mind keeps going back to suicidal thoughts or SI. I’ve been really good about not hurting myself and no smoking or drugs and very little drinking. I’ve been on a good path and now I just think I’m gonna screw it all up. I don’t really know what else to say. I guess I just needed to get some of it off my chest since I don’t really have anyone to talk to.