(((jaxter)))

I can completely relate - both being overwhelmed at your first real job and dealing with the emotional friendship roller coaster. I've been through both, and continue to ride the roller coaster at times with my best friend too.

First, this stood out to me:
The past two weeks have been particularly challenging for me, and during the day while at work, I'm fine. All goes along and while I'm tired and a bit depressed, I can make it through the day. Then I get home, and all of a sudden I find myself curled up in the corner of my couch bawling my eyes out! It really used to frustrate me, a LOT. It's as if my brain loses control and my heart takes over and the emotions I've been hiding from escape.

What my T said is that this is actually more normal than we think! I don't know about you, but I've always been good at hiding all my emotions - good and bad - and stuffing them down, so I can show everyone "I'm fine" at all times. Every once in a while, the shell cracks, and my real emotions escape, and I'm not fine at the moment, but (and this is key) once the emotions pass, I will be fine again. There's a great slogan floating around many different groups: This too shall pass. The good, the bad, the happy, the frustrating, all will pass, nothing lasts forever.

I guess what I'm saying is don't be so hard on yourself when you find yourself curled up and crying. Let it happen, let it out, and then move forward. I tend to try and journal when that happens so I can bring it to T if I need to that way we can look for a pattern of triggers or see if it's just randomly happening (I've learned that when I'm over tired or highly stressed I cry more easily. And a new job is very stressful (heck, I've been in my job for 8 years and I still have high-stress times every year where I fall apart!)

As for the friend... it is soooo hard! On the one hand I just want to ditch her and be done with it. On the other hand, I love her too much to let her go without a fight. What my T has helped me do is set some boundaries with her. This way, I'm not as emotionally drained when she cancels or doesn't respond or disappears again. I had to change my expectations of our friendship over the last three months. I learned that my friend can not say no to me, but then she ends up cancelling at the last second instead of being honest from the start and saying "sorry, I can't get together then, but let's do something in a few weeks when things settle down."

Now, whenever we make plans and she doesn't call or text back, I don't let it upset my whole day - I go about my day and look at the time I do get with her to be great, and when she flakes out, oh well. I don't know if that makes any sense? I used to be crushed when she cancelled or disappeared and it would ruin my whole week. Now, I hold the boundaries - Last week we were supposed to get dinner (her suggestion,) but she never confirmed. Then, when it was like an hour before we were supposed to meet, she called to see where we were meeting, and I told her that since I hadn't heard back from her, I made other plans, but she was welcome to join me. She passed, and I know she was a little bummed, but that is her problem not mine. I still had a lovely evening.

It's a delicate balance, for sure, both the friend part and the feelings of SI. I am working hard not to SI when I feel that overwhelming out-of-control anxiety where I just want to disappear. I know I'm emotional and sensitive and am easily exhausted from holding the "I'm fine" front all day. I have been working hard to be more patient with myself when I do have those crying moments, and just let them be, and let them pass. Reaching out here has been really helpful too, so great job on doing that!

Don't know if this helps, didn't expect it to be so long, but I hope you see that you are not alone! T is there to help you too, as hard as that may be. It makes a big difference to me not going this alone and having T in my corner.