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Feb 18, 2012, 05:34 PM
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Member Since: May 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 1,309
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I'm currently in the process of changing doctors, it's hard because I work full time so I don't get the time to go into the new surgery and hand over details etc. I', doing to do it in March when I have booked a day off to do a shoot - I'll have the morning free to see the doctor then.
I wish we didn't hang on to all the negative words, really I do! It's hard not to I guess because we're so worried about other peoples' opinions of us, no matter how much we protest that we're not, we are, so we cling onto what others say that they think of us. Modelling is difficult at the best of times with looks being everything and such, but I'm doing well with coping with that I think. I've lost weight and I'm becoming much happier with how I look and the way I look after myself in day to day life now.
I know I need to have a safe place to talk about the abuse and such, it's just hard having the time. Working full time means I couldn't see a counsellor in the week, unless they were right near my office and I could go to see them during a lunch break or something. I don't know. I really do need to get all these painful experiences out, because in all honesty, being brutally honest, I feel like I could lash out at everyone in the World. 'Why don't you?' I hear people ask... Because I know how terrible, how utterly painful and soul destroying it is to have someone lash out at you because of their own insecurities, their own differences, their own anger and upset. I just couldn't hurt people like I've been hurt. I couldn't hurt anyone at all.
Yes, I mean fix my problems on my own and generally do day to day things myself, like cleaning and organising everything at home. Then again sometimes I wish others would take the daily burdens away from me and let me deal with my problems for once... It seems my problems have to take a back seat constantly because I have so many other things to concentrate on that are apparently more important. Hmmph.
Psychodrama sounds so scary, I'd fear my epilepsy would suddenly kick in big time. It's known to when I get very, very stressed. It's not a major problem, but if I end up getting too stressed, it turns into a very big problem. Luckily(?) I get ill when I'm stressed, which forces me to slow down or in severe cases, stop completely and rest. If I don't, I know epilepsy will take over and cause me to fit which in turn will mean me having time off work, David having to take care of me and others being worried etc. I don't want that to happen because I'd then feel selfish.
I thrive on making the right decisions for myself, but again I'm constantly so worried that I'm going to step off the path by making the wrong decision and horribly regret it. Simple things like today, buying a new hoover. I tested it when i got home and was so pleased that I'd decided to swap the original one I'd chosen for another one, because the other one is so much better and does even more than I'd hoped it would, it's more powerful and cleans everything up so nicely (I'm a massive clean freak). Also, signing up for Graze boxes twice a week, I struggle with an ED, so this was a hugely empowering thing for me to do and when my box arrived on Friday, I looked at everything in it and it just looked so beautiful, enticing and just so exciting to think about eating - it consists of seeds, nuts, fruit and oats. I can't wait to take the first box to work with me 
Your last comment about why can't it be easier... I think the very same a thousand times a day! It's infuriating how awkward everything has to be for us who struggle huh... We get there somehow!
Sorry for the long delay in replying - I've been so busy with work and modelling I've really not had a chance to get online at all  
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