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ThePainNeverDies · Feb 18, 2012, 06:05 PM

No unfortunately I'm not... My Cousin Outlaw just had her baby this morning and as soon as I heard, my heart felt torn to pieces because this means if I were still pregnant, I'd have only had 6 weeks until my baby was due. I don't feel like any therapist would take me seriously with the baby thing. I'm only 20, they'd look at me and think 'Her? A Mother already? And she's sitting here whinging that she's not a Mum??? She's so young, she'd be stupid to delude herself thinking she could handle it!' I understand why they'd think that and I accept that yes, maybe people think I am deluding myself, but after having to look after myself since i was 7, I feel more like a 33 year old, not a 20 year old. I know I need to go to therapy and talk about this, really process it. I know I haven't processed it at all, I've just continued with daily life as though it's normal. I guess to me this stress IS just another normal daily thing. But deep down inside, I know it's broken my heart That's so hard to admit.

I always found it easier having a counsellor to see every week and discuss my stresses and worries with, because, like with you, they could help me to use my distressed/illogical side in a logical way to solve the problems that I was facing. I've always looked forward to counselling sessions because I know I always go away feeling like I've achieved something and that I understand the situation, and myself, much better. It's so hard not having a counsellor anymore. I just don't have the time because I work full time

I believe that even though I've had a rough childhood and no-one to build solid foundations for me to build on myself, I've built some decent foundations myself. Not as strong as those built by a good Parent and a happy, stable family life/childhood, but that's a given... I believe I've built stable enough foundations for me to be able to get through my life with the help of a counsellor to help fill in the cracks. It's just finding the right counsellor and time to do so. I'm just trying to build on the foundations now and fill in those cracks myself at the moment, but filling in the cracks myself is impossible because I can't counsel myself, I can't rationalise things like a counsellor can. I can only build the new blocks..

So far it's been modelling that's kept me going through the miscarriage. The only thing I've been thinking is: 'I wouldn't be such a popular/well known/established model now if I were still pregnant' I just wouldn't have been able to continue with modelling for so long and a baby would have ruined my figure. That's been literally the only thing that's kept me going apart from knowing that perhaps I'm not ready yet and perhaps I still have many cracks to fill and many more foundation blocks to build.

Modelling, my new job and my own strength of character, my own determination, are the only things to have kept me living. I have had days where all I've wanted to do is just give up completely. Tonight I feel utterly torn apart by the Birth of my Cousin Out Law's Son, but at the same time I feel overjoyed because his name is Noah and all along the pregnancy I have been sewing a Noah's Ark Blanket, not knowing which gender the bump was. That's made me so pleased because I had an inkling the bump was a boy. But then again, I think how in this World am I going to cope when I finally meet him face to face? When I see her and her new family all together, happy in the knowledge that she beat the doctors who said she'd never get pregnant, let alone carry a child for 9 months and 2 weeks and then give Birth naturally. How will I cope? By just smiling and hiding what I really feel, by remembering that when my time comes, it'll be just as happy and even more filled with love.

At the moment I just want to hide away in a cave and not come out for months, because when I'm stressed, unhappy or generally not myself, that's what I do. I hide away to save others having to deal with me. I deal with myself and when I'm more OK again, I come out again and face the World and all the s**t it has to throw at me. I'm determined to beat life because so far it's given me not a lot other than hell. I have good things in my life, I know that...

But tomorrow... Tomorrow is my Best Friend's Birthday. The friend I lost a year and 5 months ago to Anorexia. Tomorrow I'm having a massage that will last 3 hours because my body is so stressed that all my muscles have seized up and need a LOT of TLC. Tomorrow I know I'll wake up crying because Isla isn't here to celebrate what would have been her 30th Birthday, she's not here to see the smile on my face knowing she's recovered and happy again, not here to receive her special gift from me. Not here to see how much she's inspired me and made such an impact on my life for the better. She's not here because the illness that is trying to take over my life, took over hers and killed her.

I miss her. Gosh I miss her so much. I'd never met her but we spoke every day and she was always a friend to lean on, I was always there when she needed someone too, even at 4am! We had planned to meet a couple of weeks later but then the day came when I was sitting in a coffee shop and my T had gone to get another coffee. Then I'd had the message come through saying 'I'm sorry to tell you that Isla passed away this morning.' A message from one of the nurses caring from her. My T came back and I sat there and just stared at the table, fiddling with the spoon on my plate. Then broke down completely. My T's face was one of horror, shock and 'MyGodWhat'sWrong?????' She'd NEVER seen me cry, even when she knew I wanted to, desperately wanted to cry and scream and pull my hair... But that day she saw me cry my heart out, totally break and not know what to say or how to do anything other than cry. She rushed to my side and looked at me, asking what was wrong, had she pushed me too far? I dipped my head and said meekly "No... Isla... My best friend....... Sh-she's. Gone!"

I've never seen, heard or felt myself cry in front of someone like that before. People looked at me and I didn't care, I was falling apart because my biggest inspiration was gone, the person who'd given me so many reasons not to let anorexia take over. It's amazing how I stood up and just carried on with my day, even after my T specifically said I needed to sit down and let myself take it in, not just get on with my day like nothing had happened.

Ah. I feel so sad I'm sorry