I have lots to say. First abt a male friend of mine in a sexless marriage, and then about my low-sex relationship.

My friend is an ex-lover. we (he and his wife) tried an open relationship - with me - because she has no sex drive. It worked for a while, but I pushed it because I wanted more relationship than I really could expect from a married man. The split was very painful for me. We still "love" each other (more as friends), but went many years hardly speaking to each other except as friends at social gatherings. I'm still friends with his wife as well. He is still married, and from the outside, it is great - family trips, family get-togethers, activities and such. I wish I had a family life like that. They are good parents and friendly with each other, put platonic, and they have sex once or twice a year, which it isn't enough for him.

When my 2-1/2 year on and off "whatever it is" was in "off" mode (several times last year), he and I got together to have sex. As friends, mostly. We both are with people who have very low sex drive, and we both have a more average drive. I justify it by saying that it won't hurt his marriage if I don't want anything from him, and I only had sex with him when I was "certain" that I wasn't going to get back together with my "BF." Only I did, over and over again.

When I got back together with my BF, I'd tell him that I'd had sex while we were apart, but he didn't ask with who, except to ask if it was safe sex, and whether I wanted a rel with the guy. I said it was an old friend and no, which is true.

Early on in my current "relationship" (it's really hard to define), when he rejected me, I would think that the way to get over the loss was to have sex with someone else. Or to try to have an actual relationship (only did that once). Neither really worked. Being with someone else just made me sad that I wasn't with him. I wanted to smell his skin, feel his hands on me, have him love me and want me in his life. I really don't know why. It was as if I'd trained my body and my mind to him. So after a few of these unsatisfactory one-nighters (and the surprising reality that we were back together again), I decided that if we broke up again, that wasn't the cure.

He has intimacy issues, and I am guessing that I do too (mine are just not as obvious). He has low libido, or at least he has erectile problems when we are together. But not always - which I believe rules out physical problems. I assume it's emotional, and trust issues, and I was interested to see a big similarity between your husband's reaction to the infidelity and my BF's reaction to sleeping with someone else when we were apart - just a passive acceptance and a desire to not dwell on it. It's almost as if they think they don't deserve our fidelity, or that they don't trust women to be faithful, or they don't trust other people to treat them well. He has said in a general sense that he has trust issues, and I think this is the key. I think that if he can learn to trust (and me, too, 'cause I have a hard time trusting others these days), his ability to get truly excited sexually will return.

But I also think that both our men need therapy, and mine has outright refused many, many times. I am going to try once again to suggest relationship therapy (instead of putting all the "blame" on him), by pointing out that we have tried over and over again to solve these things on our own without much success. But as a fallback (or a starter), I am hoping he is willing to watch a show that's on the LOGO network. It's called "Bad Sex" to catch people's attention, and it's about sexual problems (nobody with erection problems, strangely enough), but really it is about relationship issues. It's a non-glitzy reality show about group therapy, and each episode follows one person and his/her issues. I have been copying it and watching it, and I have learned something significant in each show.

I guess I have no advice, per se, just a shared experience. My BF does have "sex" with me, it just rarely involves intercourse. I have always been accustomed to intercourse, so the other kinds of sex are ok, but intercourse is what really turns me on and satisfies me.. On the occasions when we do have intercourse, I am anxious for it to work out right, so that affects how fun it is.. and usually neither of us has an orgasm from intercourse. I am ok with me not having an orgasm that way - story of my life - but I am accustomed to my lover having an orgasm.. so it has been an adjustment. When things are really hot and heavy, occasionally he does come inside me, but I can count those times on one or two hands (in over 2 years). I keep hoping that those occasions will happen more and more often, but I don't know what exactly makes them happen, so it's hard to duplicate.