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ThePainNeverDies · Feb 18, 2012, 06:40 PM

Tomorrow is my Best Friend's Birthday. The friend I lost a year and 5 months ago to Anorexia. Tomorrow I'm having a massage that will last 3 hours because my body is so stressed that all my muscles have seized up and need a LOT of TLC.

Tomorrow I know I'll wake up crying because Isla isn't here to celebrate what would have been her 30th Birthday, she's not here to see the smile on my face knowing she's recovered and happy again, not here to receive her special gift from me. Not here to see how much she's inspired me and made such an impact on my life for the better. She's not here because the illness that is trying to take over my life, took over hers and killed her.

I miss her. Gosh I miss her so much. I'd never met her but we spoke every day and she was always a friend to lean on, I was always there when she needed someone too, even at 4am! We had planned to meet a couple of weeks later but then the day came when I was sitting in a coffee shop and my T had gone to get another coffee. Then I'd had the message come through saying 'I'm sorry to tell you that Isla passed away this morning.' A message from one of the nurses caring for her.

My T came back and I sat there and just stared at the table, fiddling with the spoon on my plate. Then broke down completely. My T's face was one of horror, shock and 'MyGodWhat'sWrong?????' She'd NEVER seen me cry, even when she knew I wanted to, desperately wanted to cry and scream and pull my hair... But that day she saw me cry my heart out, totally break and not know what to say or how to do anything other than cry. She rushed to my side and looked at me, asking what was wrong, had she pushed me too far? I dipped my head and said meekly "No... Isla... My best friend....... Sh-she's. Gone!"

I've never seen, heard or felt myself cry in front of someone like that before. People looked at me and I didn't care, I was falling apart because my biggest inspiration was gone, the person who'd given me so many reasons not to let anorexia take over. It's amazing how I stood up and just carried on with my day, even after my T specifically said I needed to sit down and let myself take it in, not just get on with my day like nothing had happened.

My T said we could go back to the office, back to the safe room to sit and talk about Isla and what she meant to me, but I chose to do what I always do when I'm stressed or upset. Carry on with solving problems like nothing was happening. I walked with a hunched back, my head down, sniffing with tears rolling down my cheek. But each time a new one rolled down my cheek, I'd wipe it away and carry on like it hadn't happened.

The whole time that I was sitting waiting to be seen to sort out money matters, I was thinking of Isla and the last thing we'd said to each other. She was getting better, she was determined, she was winning the battle.

Obviously the battle took over her and all her organs started to fail, causing her whole body to give up.

That day was one of the worst days of my life. I'd lost the one person who was most proud of me, who most encouraged me to follow my heart and listen to myself when I wanted to make a decision. The only person who was proud of me and made me feel proud of myself.

I know she's in a less painful place now and at least she doesn't have to fight so hard anymore, but at the same time I know that she was fighting so hard to live a happier life, to smile again and feel like she was an important part of the World because to me, she was the most important person in the World. She was the most deserving of an amazing, happy, fulfilled life. The person who most deserved a huge celebration for her 30th Birthday, a celebration every day for every day that she grew stronger, better and happier.

Now we can't do that for her.

I miss her so much. I miss hearing her voice, her texts every day at silly o'clock in the morning when neither of us could sleep, giggling at her fooling the nurses into thinking she was sleeping when she was actually wide awake, talking about her day and her struggles, how she'd overcome them, how we could overcome it together and beat Anorexia's butt together, forever.

She always was an incredible woman and someone who deserved so much better, so much more good than she got. I just wish I could have saved her, I wish so much that I could see her smile tomorrow and hear her laugh, know that she's growing stronger and healthier every day. I wish she could just be alive, well and happy like she'd always fought to be.

I'll always miss her. Every year will be hard but at the end of the day, I know she'll always be watching over me, always be proud, always be smiling, always remember our conversations and how much we used to make each other smile, laugh and feel like everything would be OK again. I know she does... I just feel so much like I could have done more and like maybe I should have known that she was going to go, not got my hopes up so much as I did.

I still have the letter she wrote me a few days before she died, I re-wrote it all word for word, exactly how she'd spelled it, on my laptop, so that I would have it forever if ever the original letter got ruined or lost somehow. That letter is the one thing i cling onto. I remember she enclosed money and I didn't spend it for months, despite her writing in the letter to buy something for myself to make her happy. I just didn't know what to buy for myself. In the end I bought myself some jewellery to remember her by and my ticket to attend a shoot I set up for her remembrance. I'll be doing that again this year but I'll be making a calendar and selling it with the proceeds going to an ED charity.

I just wish I could tell her how much I love and miss her. She was a stunning, kind hearted, beautiful person and I'll miss her forever. There's never a day where I don't think about her.

R.I.P Isla. I hope you enjoy your Birthday up there