I think I'm not doing so good...

I don't think I'm going to get any help any time soon because I can't hurt myself. I'm not aloud. Cutting is scary, and so is not breathing, and if I take pills I might not get found and I don't really want to die right now because later I might regret it. But I know I need help.

I'm not going to do anything, don't worry. I'm not aloud. But I don't like this right now and it hurts and I want it to go away.

I don't have friends. All my friends are gone away because I don't think strait like they do. Time's messed up and doesn't flow right like it does for most people. And I know I'm just depressed right now and it hurts, but I don't want it to hurt anymore.

My life is all gone because Time doesn't flow right and I miss things. I don't see things but I see colors. I look at someone or something and I see colors. Sometimes pictures move but I think my eyes are just messy and I've probably been staring at them too long.

There's people in me that come out sometimes but not so much anymore. I think it would be easier if they came back, because then I could get help, but since taking Seroquel they don't come out anymore. I can't just fade away either. Sometimes I'd fade away and my body would stay behind and keep working and I could just fly away and rest for a bit but I think the Seroquel has tied me to my body. Sometimes others would fill the space I left, but sometimes not.

I think the cigarets want me to kill myself. I know I shouldn't smoke, and I know I'm not addicted because of the way I usually smoke (a week, and then not for a few months) but right now i don't want to stop but every time I do I get really more depressed so I know I should.

I don't think I'm usually crazy. I think I'm actually pretty okay inside. I thought I was a likable person; everyone told me so. I thought I was going to be great. I hope I still will be. Right now I have a road block i need to get past. I want time to flow properly, but I still want to be crazy enough to take a brake, and then come back. I want to be happy again, but not manic. I want to be who I was before everything got messed up. I wonder if I hadn't taken the birth control pills if I would still be crazy, and bipolar. I use to be the star of the show, sometimes literally, but now I can't go outside because I'm scared.

People always ask me what I'm so scared of. I can never answer. Maybe I'm scared of a monster outside my door, but I don't think so. Maybe I'm scared of people, but that would be new. Everything is new. Everything is new and scary and I want help and I want out but I don't know how. I want to be aloud to do what I want again, and not have to wait until my body lets me. I might be tied to it right now but it's still the one in control. My body is depressed, but I'm not. My body doesn't want to be hurt, so I can't do anything that hurts. My body wants to sleep, so I sleep. My body always makes the decisions so my mind is never aloud.

I put the picture up here because I think it is accurate right now. I spend all my time on the computer because PC is the only place people talk to me anymore. I have friends that come over, but when they ask how life is and how I'm doing they don't want to come back. I can't lie to them because their my friends, and if I lied it'd be blatantly obvious it was a lie. I can't go to school anymore, I can't work, I don't do anything but call my parents once or twice a day. I don't want to do anything drastic, because that always gets people hurt, but how do I make things better if no one is paying attention?

Right now I might be insane. Right now I might be crazy, and messed up, and all of the other things people say to people who don't work right anymore, but it's just my body. My body makes the chemicals, my mind is fine. My soul is searching, but it's hard to search when you're caged in a human sized prison.

When I'm really bad no one sees me because I can't leave. I want to talk to someone but there's no one around. Not even the people inside me talk anymore, although I think they're the only ones who are willing to.

I've got another intake appointment next week... I'm going to wait... and wait... and wait... I feel like I'm going to wait forever, not just for this one, but the next one, and the one after that. I always get intake appointments, but never any follow up. Never any real help. Crazy enough not to function, but not quite crazy enough to matter.

By the end of my life, I wonder how many intake appointments I'm going to have. What counts as a lot of intakes? How many intake appointments do you need to see the actual doctor? I want to be free again. I want help, I'm willing to work at it, but I need a hand here and the only hands I've been getting are not the ones who can help me.

I write a lot, but there's a lot going on in me. I'm not going to apologize, but if you've gotten to the end, thank you for reading.