I'm sorry you're having such a rough time of it, MLID. There's a reason we've all found ways to avoid or otherwise defend ourselves against the feelings that bring us into therapy -- they're painful, overwhelming, and seem impossible to deal with directly.

When I think of the mental and emotional pain that comes from uncovering a lot of this stuff at once, two physical analogies come to mind. The first is resetting a bone that has healed improperly. You have to go through the pain of breaking it and re-setting it and letting it heal all over again, but in the end you may be giving your body a better shot at staying healthy by ensuring that everything is structurally sound.

Another is treating a chronic infection for the first time, after it's gotten to the point where it's too much to bear and you finally get some antibiotics. This happened when I had a sinus infection -- I took the antibiotics and immediately felt WORSE. That's because when all the little bugs died, they released the nasty toxins they'd been making while settling into my sinus cavity. But I had to deal with all the junk that came with the infection before I could benefit from the death of all those bacteria.

Try to keep at it. It CAN get better when you find out what works for you. Of course, keep checking in with your T and with yourself about it, because you do want to experience some gain eventually... if it's all pain, there may be a problem. That brings to mind another physical analogy... if you're training for a race, you have to deal with a lot of discomfort to get your body into the shape it needs to be in, and you won't get there if you stop at the first sign of discomfort or don't push your limits. But there is such a thing as pushing too hard, or not taking enough breaks, or using the wrong equipment such that you end up getting hurt.

You CAN do it though. I have definitely felt overwhelmed at times, sometimes extremely overwhelmed, but sticking through it has made me feel stronger and more in tune with myself -- it gives me the ability to be honest with myself about my thoughts and feelings, and that is worth a LOT.