So, I think I my have some kind of anxiety disorder. Social anxiety or something.

When I'm at school or in a very crowded area I feel sick and dizzy and I can only whisper to people that I know. I feel so embarrassed when my parents or friends draw attention to us.

I can't speak in school. I always think of excuses to not do presentations ("Oh argh but Mrs Teacher writing an essay would show our understand more oh argh") because the idea makes me nauseous, light-headed and sweaty. When I sit down I feel like collapsing or melting into my seat. When I stand up I feel like falling over or walking into a wall. My vision always goes hazy too.

I think I've been getting worse since last October, when I started out with the panic attacks.

I have panic attacks several times a day when I'm alone - I'm too nervous to get all panicky around people.

I always end up sobbing to my parents the morning before I have to do a presentation or performance.

Emails have been going back and forth between my mother and teachers about how 'awkward' I feel in forced groups, but I can never find my own group so it's pretty pointless as well?

I've almost ended up crying in the middle of class several times over the past few weeks because I feel embarrassed about my grades compared to my A+ friends.

I get a lump in my throat whenever a teacher picks on me to answer.

I can't maintain eye contact AT ALL.

I've been lying to my friends for almost two months about seeing the school counselor - I just say a teacher asked me to help in another class or I went to the school nurse during that period.

I also lie to the counselor. She asks if I'm okay with classes and teachers and if her proposals about my timetable sound good and I just nod. I've been crying all the time because I feel like everything sucks at school.

I've dropped French because I couldn't cope with the speaking exams and constantly being asked how I did in the other exams when I failed.

I'm literally sobbing over how desperate I am to be homeschooled, but GUESS WHAT? My mother says I'd be anti-social and awful without the company of people my own age - She says it's isolation and she joked that I'd be teaching her rather than her teaching me.

I just feel so tired from all the panicking and worrying and crying and the pressure of getting good grades and constantly being surrounded by people who judge me all the time and ASDFDFHJGKLUTQWBHJGDAWBVNCWNAKJDS.

I have school on Monday, well, tomorrow. It's 4:43am. Gahhh. Help.