I am so sorry you are in so much pain switch.Is it an option to be hospitalized,so that you can receive a bit more assessment,and some better appointments?During a hospitalization you would be seen by a doctor.I am very reluctant to even suggest that.But,I hear you saying that it seems as if these appointments that you are able to get are sort of pointless.What is your actual diagnosis?You say you are on seroquel.I am not sure what it is supposed to treat.But,as far as your medications,in the hospital,they can also be evaluated.It sounds like you have people who you were able to spend time with when you were doing a little better.Was it after you started medicine that your behavior changed,and your friends fell away?Sometimes people don't know what to do in these situations.They don't mean to hurt you by pulling away,it's that sometimes they just are unsure how to handle the changes that we go through.It sounds like you have no plans to harm yourself even though you are sad,and I am happy that you have no plans to do that.You do not need to apologize for reaching out.Reaching out is ,by far,a very sane and healthy human action.Because we are organic creatures as humans,sometimes our chemical balances,and function of our minds run into very real issues,and there is no fault in that.You sound very kind,and I am sorry your friends have seemed to pull away.I wouldn't mind hanging out with you.You say that the cigarettes want you to kill yourself.Do you really believe that they do?Or do you feel they are just very addictive?I am very happy to hear that your computer connects you to people that you can talk to and express yourself with.It really helps,doesn't it? I understand that.I think that the best way for you to get on track is to see what it would take to get hospitalized.They'd probably keep you 3 days for evaluation.If you do go,make sure you say how much you want to feel better,even ask them to imagine feeling the way you feel.Appeal to them personally in that way and perhaps they will try harder to assist.whatever you do,can you update us,on how things are going for you?Don't give up.You really sound like a very nice person,experiencing some hard times.Huggs,I hope you feel better.