have yet to post all thats wrong with me, because it would take a book. anyway, still have not stopped crying unless im asleep. being poor sucks. i depend on free medical and medications. am out of celexa. have a new script for higher dose than im used to but they are taking their sweet time. all i do now days is clean inside house and soon it will be the lawn care too. i try to escape through video games, music, internet, and this forum. but am in so much pain mentally and physically i am really at the end of whatever. in the morning its not to bad. the suicidal thoughts are easy to push thru, but as the day goes by they get more frequent and it gets to the point where its everyother thought. i have but 2 things that keep me from going thru with it, one is a dream, a goal that is within reach it really is. the other is my kids. the problem is the kids are young 8 and 10 and would recover and as of right now my ex wife isnt getting any financial help. if i was gone social security would have to help. my kids would be better off atleast for right now. i know, its just for right now, but what about in the future. i know. that maybe what keeps me from ending it all. just so close, more than you know. so close its almost like i have already done it in a way. so close. sorry using this as a journal. that way i can get help and advise. journals dont do that do they. sorry so long. and ill be ok.