Hi all!!!
I have not posted lately though I have been lurking just trying to find some solace and hoping that I could reach out and help someone else and found I have not been able to. I am truly sorry for that. I want to I just can't get myself to say the words that are in my heart!
This may be long as I have a rambling problem so maybe you might want to stop now...
Quick catch up, I am female, 48 with MS, housebound 99% of time, have a man who loves me, today is our tenth wedding aniversary though we have lived together almost 20 years.
We won't do anything special, I am sure I won't even see a card, as he gives gifts all the time so feels holidays and such are nothing special I guess.
I also give to him a gift for no reason, but I will still do Christmas , Valentines etc.
I am not complaining about this really. Just feeling very very lonely.
I have become more disabled in the last two years, and more in the last year. I still can walk, a short distance do some household chores. Heck if I didn't do them they never ever get done.....
Okay maybe I am complaining....
No I am feeling very very alone. Right now my man is at work, right across the street, convienient in case I get ill. Then again is he really there? I have called a few times and he is never available. I can't just walk over there because I have 24 steps down and he is also on a 2nd floor with even more steps. And NO disabled things.... Anyhow, my husband is 43 at the end of month. Now I went through menopause many years ago with no real problems, though age and the MS are now playing tricks with my body. We haven't had sex (can I say that here) in almost a year. How can a man just stop wanting sex. I mean nothing from me at all... I have gained weight, even though I eat very little, apparently my metabolism is off and I have not seen the endocronologist yet, along with urologist. My husband was and is attracted to women who are very very thin which I was until the last few years. I never weighed this much when pregnant..... I myself can't stand how I look but knowing that he can't stand me either is driving me crazy....
I don't know what I am trying to say here, maybe its nothing more than a rant... I am scared though. I don't THINK he would cheat on me, but I also thought that of my first husband... I just can't understand why he doesn't want anything intimate at all with me. Can I be so hideous to him... Has he become nothing but my caretaker? I honestly don't know and I am scared to bring it up because when I bring up anything about our relationship he gets extremely defensive... He sez we don't have sex because it hurts me, okay it did, I saw doctor, tried some cream to see if that helped and though I have hinted that I think it has helped he makes no move at all... I don't exist for him this way.
Yes he hugs me and kisses on the cheek or lips. Heck a few weeks ago he gave me a real kiss when we reached the bottom of the steps and that just threw me off because I don't remember the last time he kissed me.... I can't stand me as it is and to have my best friend feel the same, what does that say????
I am scared and so alone and there is absolutely no one I can talk with....I take him into Dr. appt.'s with me because I can't always remember things so I can't even talk with the doctor openly about this....What can I do..... I am 48 and though ill I am not dead. I need to be held, but not like he holds everyone else..... Im scared really scared anyone have any ideas any at all would be greatly appreciated....Thank you if you came this far with me