I wrote this in my journal last night:

Dear T,

I feel a bit crazy tonight and I don't like it. It's 3 in the morning, I'm awake, I feel like I could be getting sick, and my neck is killing me.

Tonight, I hate myself. I feel unworthy of any good thing, even sleep. Why do I feel this way? You told me Thursday I was worth more than the personal and professional risks you had to take to get me to open up. Why do I not believe you tonight?*

I hate the therapy process. I hate opening myself up so much to someone, even though apparently that vulnerability is the key to healing. My heart hurts from it. For me to open up, I have to love and trust that person. I love you and trust you on some level (that you have my best interests at heart), but I'm afraid that in the end, you will hurt me too. After all, you're human.

I try to be demonstrative and you don't always respond well to it sometimes. That makes me think there's something inherently wrong with who I am as a person because I'm demonstrative to those I love and trust.

Right now, I can hear you asking me, "What is the truth?" It's the first time I've heard your voice in my head. The truth is God thinks I'm worthy, you think I'm worthy. It doesn't help. I don't think I'm worthy. I've never thought I was worthy.

Now I need to try to go back to sleep.

Love,
Chopin