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Feb 20, 2012, 03:38 PM
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Member Since: May 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 1,309
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Thanks once again for your reply 
I know I don't process my emotions as they happen, at the time. I don't process them until weeks, months, even years after they've come about... It's bad, I know. I just don't have a safe haven anymore to express those emotions. Right now I'm doing everything wrong. I dropped tonight's dinner in the cat litter tray, dropped my knife in the litter tray also and I just felt like throwing everything on the floor and crying, throwing a tantrum like a child. How childish of me huh. It annoys me.
Can I borrow your T for a few days please? He/she sounds lovely, really helpful. I like it when people are helpful to us who need it most. Especially considering we tend to be very helpful to many others, I think we deserve it back just a little bit at least.
I do have a lot of sadness going on right now. Not just Isla and the loss of the baby, but just life seeming to throw everything at me all in one go right now. It's hard to get get my head around and try to relax with all that's going on at the moment. I want to let myself grieve my friend not being here for her Birthday, let myself grieve for the loss of my baby and feel the anger that I can feel bubbling away inside me, I want to just feel every emotion that's sitting inside me getting worse and worse, boiling into something much worse when it spills over.. Yet I can't. Because I have to smile, be happy, laugh, make myself look OK for everyone else. Ergo, I can't process everything that's going on.
My massage was amazing. It took me a good hour to drift into lala land, but when I did, I pretty much lost all sense of what was happening around me and almost couldn't feel my massage therapist touching me at all. It was glorious when it came to massaging my forehead and temples, I felt everything wash away and melt like it was honey on a warm spoon, I've never known someone be so good at making me feel better without even saying a word. My massage therapist knew though, that I wanted to talk about things but I couldn't because David didn't go out like he'd said he would, so I just said nothing, once again holding back those emotions, my feelings, my thoughts - for someone elses benefit. I'd thought it all out, I'd known I was probably going to cry because I was choked up about Isla, but Dave being there stopped all that so now my forehead and temples are tense again and my neck hurts because I've now got a migraine from stuffing all that up again. SIGH!
Thanks for the hugs. I'd love to curl up in bed right now and cry my heart out, but I can't because now that I've cooked dinner, I need to wash up 
I feel so trodden over today, really I do and I am SO close to screaming and shouting, crying and kicking out at everything and everyone  GRRRRR why can't I be the one who has it MY way for once hm...
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