My hope for you my dear is that you are speaking to a Therapist/ Counselor. To talk with a professional can do wonders for you, they can help you work through your feelings in a non-judgemental way. As you stated before, you know the warning signs of abuse.. so please be safe and on guard; regardless of your love for this man. There is truth in that statement when they say, "Love is blind". I have some experience here and I am now older dealing with things I wish I had the strength to deal with when I was younger. I wish you the best, be safe and take care yourself!