No, Im not suicidal, dont worry, I know we arent allowed to post things like that. But I cant stop crying, and I just really feel this awful pain inside, Ive had enough, of my life, the disapointments in it, everything Ive been through, this bloody illness, not knowing whats real and what isnt anymore. Its too much. I dont know what to believe and what to disbelieve. I cant get myself together at all, its taken me hours just to have abath today and Im still not dressed. Ive now got to go get ready and put a smile on as I am with my children this weekend. But, the thing is, I am always the person who gives my time and emotions to others, my freinds tell me alltheir problems and I try my best to care for them, but noone wants to know or understand whta i am going through, so Im completely alone. I missed an appointment wit my psychiatrist today as I just cant organize myself recently, not even to do the washing up, so I forgot about it. Im on new drugs, have been for a week or two, I dont know exactly, my sense of time is really messed up. I just cant bear this, I cant bear the lack of compassion in the world, and I dont know if Ive got it in me anymore to keep struggling on. Usually Im strong in faith, but even my faith is faltering now. I feel like my head is about to explode with all my dilemnas, I dont know who to turn to.

I suppose I shall just have to pull myself together for the weekend, and put some more makeup on, and pretend that Im just fine like I usually do. I dont even know why Im bothering to post this, theres no point really is there? No one can help me with this. And anyone who can, wont.

My life is going nowhere fast and noone gives a %#@&#!. not even me anymore.