I should probably start this off by saying that I'm 17 and my dad died when I was 14 or 15 or so. I don't really remember him and I've never really grieved but I thought that if I brought it up later people would be upset.

Anyway, I have a strange sort of problem where I always try to avoid emotional pain, and it's usually by ignoring it or not acting on trying to stop it.

In May, I'll be 18 and I can either get a job or go to college. Just thinking about that is incredably painful for me and I haven't done anything helpful for either of those causes.

Both getting a job and going to college are equally terrible alternatives and I really don't want to choose at all. It's like if someone said that you can either stab yourself or drink acid. Just thinking about those long enough to choose is terrifying, so I choose the third option: Ignore it until it's too late.

This also affects extremely short-term and minor emotional pain. For example, I have math homework due tomorrow (it's 3:30am, so technically today) and I haven't even started on it. Instead, I'm trying to ignore it by writing this. It's not helping, though, because I just mentioned it there.

Anyway, it seems that I have two mechanisms for forcing myself to ignore things that I don't want to do. The first one is pretty simple, anytime I think of something that I don't want to do, the thought seems to go away by itself. If it doesn't go away by itself, that's usually because I feel enough guilt or fear about the consequences of not doing it that I can hold onto it until it's dealt with with the second mechanism.

The second mechanism is that I have a mental battle between the part of myself that feels bad about not doing it and the part of myself that wants to ignore it and just fail whatever it is. I already know which part is going to win, but I just go through the motions of fighting so I feel better about it. Sometimes I try to bypass this by doing it before the second mechanism can engage, but it always engages when I'm about to do it so it doesn't really help.

Recently, I've started to actually wish that I had a mental illness. I know that sounds strange, but it would actually solve a lot of problems that I have. I'd be hospitalized which means I won't have to worry about the college/job dilemma, and I'll be able to talk to a psychologist (or psychiatrist, I guess) who (presumably) actually cares about me and can help me with my problems.

I can't really ask my mom for help because I haven't really bonded with her and she just feels like an acquaintance to me. I also can't ask a counselor for help because they haven't really been able to help me in the past because I haven't told them the right things in the past. It's also hard to talk to counselors because I always have a lot of social anxiety that makes it hard to articulate what I'm trying to say. I'm not sure why in my fantasy they would be able to help, but I guess that's why it's a fantasy.

I'm really not even sure why I'm posting this here if I'm so sure that people can't help. I just feel emotionally compelled to do so. Even if you guys give me good, helpful answers, I don't think I'll use them. I'm not even sure why. Maybe I want to stay this way. If that's the case, and I think it is, I'm sorry for wasting everyone's time with this thread by making you read a giant wall of text. I'm going to post it anyway and I still don't know why. I don't think I can overcome my desire to not overcome whatever it is that I'm dealing with.