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ThePainNeverDies · Feb 23, 2012, 04:30 PM

Thank you Harley, that was very uplifting and positive to read on what seems to be a difficult evening this evening. The difficult times seem to be happening more than the positive times but I'm not letting it beat me. As much as I cried last night, I still woke up this morning and left work this evening with a smile on my face. A little anecdote...

I was walking through town and I felt the way I was standing when I walked... I had my head held high, I was walking at a fast pace and I didn't feel slumped/hunched when I walked, I was standing tall. It was the first time I thought about it properly and realised that I've actually come such a long way in such a small way. It's a huge achievement for me.

I got in the car this evening with David driving and when we'd dropped our friend off at home, he was driving home and said "Do you think you've come a long way?" I replied "Since...?" He said "Well, since before we met... After you'd left Connor and were at the lowest of low points." It certainly made me think..
"Well.. Yes. I know I have." His reply "Because you've lifted yourself out of that and you don't get like that anymore. You're so much better than you were.." I came back with; "Well, I can't say I don't get like it at all.. I still have thoughts but no, I never act out my thoughts anymore. Yes I get times where I'm scared to be alone but that hasn't happened in a while. I just cry lots now instead... Yeah, I think I've come a hell of a long way from where I was. i don't self harm anymore, I don't attempt suicide, my ED is under better control than it was with the odd slip up instead of it being the odd time where I'm not starving myself. I feel better, I look better, I am better. But I've still got some way to go." That surprised me, hearing myself say that. David just replied with "But you haven't. You've done the hard part, you've admitted that you were struggling and needed to do something about it and you've stepped in and done something about it. You've pulled yourself out of it, you've improved your life massively. This time last year, you were self harming, attempting suicide at least 3 times a week and you weren't eating properly at all. You didn't have a job, you were on benefits, you were horribly depressed and saw no positivity in your life. Now - You have a job, you've not self harmed in a year and a half, you're eating much more healthily, you're in a job you actually find yourself not whinging about and you enjoy it more than you did your last jobs and even more than you did being unemployed, you're a model, your hair, skin, nails, muscles, everything about you looks so much healthier, you smile so much more, your teeth look amazing, you take better care of yourself, you laugh every day, you always come up with a reason to be positive. And, you're engaged to me, we live in our own place together and we have no debts with our current flat and you're catching up on your past debts, you're tidying up those last few loose ends. I'm so proud of you. You're an inspiration even to me, to everyone whose life you touch. You're beautiful, you're successful at everything you try your hand at. You can do anything."

David having that conversation with me has opened my eyes. I whinge sometimes about things being miserable and how rubbish life is sometimes, but life can hand out all matter of dirt it wants and I just take it and turn it into gold. I know that. I wouldn't have been able to do all of this if I hadn't been determined and the only thing that made me determined was my own hope that things could improve, that I could improve things. I vowed not to hurt, betray or anger anyone and I always stick to that. I always promised myself I'd be the best person I could be, the person i was brought up to be by my Foster Parents; Honest, kind, loyal, loving, compassionate, helpful... I wouldn't ever mean to hurt anyone and if I ever did hurt anyone, I do and would instantly apologise and make it up to them.

As much as I've been hurt in my life, as much as I have wanted to just give up I never have. Why? I hear you ask... Because I have hope, I have so much hope and even when things are so bleak and feel so hopeless there's still a twinkle, still a little whisper that whooshes past and says "Just try, one more time. Just hope, one more time" And I always do, because I always believe that hope is there for a reason, that I am MEANT to hope and that I am meant to get through whatever troubles I am suffering.

It's hard having so much hope because sometimes I wish my body, my head, my heart would let me give up but so far it's proved right to have given in to that hope. So far things have improved with my own determination I have made it.

Like I've said, I'm still not there, I'm still feeling down this evening but what David has said has really lifted my spirits, just thinking about things and seeing things how they really are has really made me think 'yeah.. You're right.. You go girl and kick some butt!'

Anyway, enough babble - I'm exhausted and have had such a troublesome week... I miss my Foster Dad tonight which is really hurting but I'm keeping positive, I know he wouldn't want to see me sad because of him. I just miss and love him so much.

I never want people to see me how I used to be again, never. I was a total horrid mess and if anyone ever saw me like that I have told them in advance they have to shake me out of it and remind me with pictures and bits I've written, why I don't want to go there again, why I'd much rather be where I am now.. I'd rather be happier than I am now but I know that will come with time and therapy - lots of it. Seeing a counsellor is not weak, it IS strong, you're right. Were strong for being big enough to stand up and say 'actually, y'know what... I'm not ok, I'm not happy, I'm not fine, I'm not myself. Please help me to be all of those.' That's what strength is to me, the ability to stand up and say how we really feel, to stand up against the liars and tell the truth. Yes telling the truth when I was 16 got me kicked out and living alone, but I know I did the right thing and I'd rather that than live with a horrible, wicked, evil family who beat me and hurt me and made me feel like I was no-one and nothing. I'd rather know I did the right thing than still be hurting, knowing I did the wrong thing.

We're better than depression, we all know that. We just have yet to find a way to get us that final push out of it... It's there somewhere.

Anyway, I'll stop boring you now... Bath time and relaxation for me. Hypnotherapy to get me sleep Thanks for all your replies everyone, I'd love some hugs if you don't mind sending them my way - hugs make me feel better.