I'm sorry you are in such a distressing situation. I know how difficult it can be to lose someone who was helping you and whom you care about- I have been in that situation.

I'm sorry that you are blaming yourself for telling him that you were feeling suicidal. It may feel like you did the wrong thing and should have kept quiet, but actually telling him was part of keeping yourself safe, and that is always the right thing to do, even if the consequences feel very distressing right now.

Perhaps it is best right now not to make any long-term decisions about whether you will be able to work with anyone else. It is understandable to be filled with a fear of loss right now, but it may be that in the fullness of time you feel able to find another professional who could help you. I couldn't imagine ever starting from scratch or having the strength or energy to try again when my old therapist left, and I felt deeply let down and abandoned by her decision to leave me. Three years on, I'm so glad she did. She wasn't the skilled helper that I needed, and my therapy with my current T has changed my life immeasurably. I'm just telling you this so that you know that feelings can change, and things can work out for the best. I hope that doesn't sound trite...