Hang in there and it will come to you or that something will come along and you may find one day you are saying to yourself wow so this is why I went through and why I had to be here now I can.... sometimes that purpose and meaning and thing that matters comes in the most unlikely way...

Which is what happened to me. I was constantly asking myself why bother why hang on why me why why why and how how how's until one day a prison guard asked to come into the real life support group I was in to talk to us about his inmate offenders program. he said that once incarcerated inmates don't have to deal with what they did and the lasting effects of what their crimes do. they go to prison and supposedly find god and supposedly are rehabilitated and then are released and in time be it a day to a year later a majority of convicted rapists are back in prison for the same crimes that got them there to begin with. He wanted to put the effects and faces back into thier lives and asked for some of us to be his guest speakers. I went not intending to say a thing and came out of that prison knowing that what I had said had opened at least one of the inmates eyes as to what his crimes against his 2 year old daughter has done and the legacy of what he now represents in her life - a life of pain and left over emotional problems. If I hadn't gone through what I had I never would have been able to do that.

That was when I realized yea some horrible stuff happened to me and I can take the easy way out and forever be remembered in the memories of those who knew me as - yea "myself" was my friend but she killed herself. Or I could take what happened to me and help other people who are where I used to be. Now when it is my time to go not due to my hands but because of the natural order of life and death. how am I going to be remembered by those who knew me - "yea I know "Myself" she was the one that testified in a governors taskforce and that task force created the laws that are now active in the state." Myself'? yea wasn't she one of the ones that came into my9th grade homeec class as a support group member that talk helped me to get out of a bad situation....

If people told me 20 years ago that I would become a guest speaker and use what happened to me to help others I would have told them they needed a vacation on the nearest nut ward, or asked them if someone had slipped them some bad weed laced with PCP.

Hang in there life is what you make of it. Nothing in life is guarenteed and some of the most horrendious horrible situations makes for the best types of survivors, advocates, lawyers, doctors, therapy professionals.

All it takes is the will to say ok I don't like where I am and so I am going to make a new road for me to travel on

It take nothing but opening a bottle of pills to commit suicide but it takes courage and skill and the will to want it to become a survivor.

You made it this far. how about giving it a shot for a bit longer you may surprise yourself I know I surprised myself and I continue to surprise myself every day that I wake up and find that I have yet another day to mold the type of life I have into the type of life that I want for myself and my child.

One thing I do when I think nothing matters I look around and say not even my prized possession matters. Then I make a goal around that to see just how much it matters in my life...by seeing just how long I can really go by not turning on that tv, not listening to my music and so on Just sit on the couch and not go for a walk not do anything, not even fidget picking the lint from the couch for if I am picking the lint up then even the couch being full of lint matters otherwise I would not be picking the lint off even as just for something to do.

Try it. I know I was surprised at what in my life matters to me right down to what I eat and drink. I was shocked by going groceriy shopping and fould that even the choice of toothpaste, and dish soap matters to me. for one foams too much or doesnt work right and so on

I bet you will find lots of things really matter to you and that you cannot just walk into a store and pick up the first thing in that catagory on the shelves.

This activity comes from one of my therapists who made this challenge to me one day when I told her nothing matters anymore. She told me "ok lets get in my car" and then she drove me to the nearest store. then in the car told me to prove it walk in that store and pick up any CD. The only requirement was that I had to have no feelings about it. I could not like or hate it, I could not buy it because I am curious about it from seeing comercials, like or hate the package design and so on for the meaning of things not mattering anymore is there are no feelings about anything and everything right down to my music that I listen to.

I learned that I may not feel like anything matters but if I took the time to look at my life and things around me I would find what really matters to me. I just had to be willing to look for those things instead of only looking at and for the negative.

Take care.