I definitely am trying to hold myself accountable.. even if it means apologizing for something I feel justified about if I know it is not "normal" for me to be mad about it. I am trying to recognize how I feel after things like this happen so I can remember to think harder next time before reacting.

I do depend on him a lot. My best friends are so far, one is 2 hours away, the other is unhappy remaining in one place so she only comes home once or twice a year and travels the rest of the time. I had a close friend at the beginning of my relationship, but she insulted my son and told him nobody cares what he thinks and I don't tolerate people being emotionally abusive to my child.. Then I am close with my sister and her roommate, but my sister likes to be alone so I am often told not to come over. So I'm left with him, really. And I've been trying to make more friends but it's tough when I have a son and I work 1-9 every day. Not a lot of free time to be out socializing.

I spent all morning panicking and then he finally replied to me around 3.. And I called him after work to apologize for getting angry last night, and let him know that I feel anxious when I know I was wrong and want to apologize but can't reach him. He's pretty open to talking things through and trying to help. I honestly can't blame him for the times he has been distant, either. I don't think I could handle what I dish out to the people I love, to be honest. That's why I want so bad to get this under control. He's a good guy and my son loves him and I don't want to mess things up.

And you're right about having a hard time transitioning. I always think about how amazing things were in the beginning. I tend to cling to those memories and try to recreate them...

What am I supposed to do in each stage? Am I supposed to prepare myself for possible argument, expect them, or what? Am I supposed to try to resolve them right way to avoid the anxiety?

My handling these things was honestly okay until I almost broke up with him. I was the one who wanted to break up, but somehow, I am so frantic to fix things since he showed me that he wants to be with me and loves me. It's like, the pain I experienced the day before and the day I went to break up with him was so bad, and I lost the control I had because my heart broke over my own decision to leave him once and now I don't want him to break my heart when he convinced me to stay. I am hoping once more time has passed it will not be so anxiety-provoking..

I get fears too, for example he recently asked if I'd care if he went to a strip club with his buddy and I told him it would make me very uncomfortable. He said he won't go then, but now this fear is planted in my mind and I just keep thinking of it again and again, picturing it and feeling sick to my stomach. Before it's been other fears, him thinking I was too crazy, him losing attraction to me, him thinking I was too clingy(which at the time lead me to go 2-4 days per week not contacting him and ignoring some of his calls or texts), whatever. But any uneasiness stirs it up again. And feeling of rejection makes it 1000x worse.

I feel like I can't win. If I am doing the "no contact" thing then we go days barely talking, and I lose interest in him and become indifferent toward the relationship. But trying to keep communication open just makes me unhappy in other ways because I know he likes his space and I hate it. I honestly can't stand to be alone, and I get separation anxiety when we are together and have to say goodbye.

I feel mad sometimes because he begged me to date him. I was really independent, had been single and pretty stable for the most part for 3 years. The first few months things were great but I had my guard up and he finally convinced me to let it down and open up to him and things have been really up and down since. I feel like I can't win. I really need help, there is just such little help available in my area. I see a listing for a BPD group, but there is likely a 1-2 year wait list. Beyond that, I may have to buy some work books and try to go it alone. :/