Still smoking I know I have relapsed with this- and apologies, I keep remembering how many times I relapsed with coke, weed, and other things in my past... It always took a couple tries, but I was able to do it....
On top of it- Doctor later this morning, and I have congestion again- My boyfriend came down with something the other day and I feel it in my chest again..... damn me... I told him he got sick cuz we started smoking again after doing so well for a week of not- and the smoking crushed our immune systems so this little cold that others have, is making us sick... LOL maybe-- and for me I think it may be more than that. (damn me I say with this)

Madisgram- I like your video you posted and post (I don't think I fully get it but maybe partially)- I never went to AA or NA, But could it be- (seeing that i am not religious, this may seem a little off for those who are) but could the higher power be just us as individuals? The higher power of being the best that we can be- another persona or even our "spirit" so to speak that is with in us, .... a part of us that we bury so much by the wanting, striving for things to be "the way we want things" in ways but yet hurt so much to do so, but this piece of us that is higher in a since, is still there.... and we have to try in ourselves to let it be, and to accept it, and strive for it... (?)

I always liked to think that, that a part of me has the best interest for me- and that in some way I can release the part that damages me, this for the better of myself and the others around me as well.. That is another thing- To realize the damage that is being done to the people around, that is usually not meant so.
Sorry for the ramble and as I mentioned- never went to AA or NA- I do love the serenity prayer though (long version perfered)

Be well all.