I'm sorry you're both having a hard time. I think you both would benefit from 2 things. Most people and couples don't know 'how to fight fairly' - most of us have experienced fighting and end up hurting or getting hurt. I'll leave you a good PC article, with a set of guidelines to fighting fairly and this can be used in any relationship.

Since you back down and retreat from serious discussion, you both can agree to a set time or day to discuss issues. Since your son is part of the problem, you both along with your son need to address what's the solution. Since you said he wants to discuss the bills, this indicates some financial stress and another common problem for people -- which is not knowing how to properly handle money. Reach out for some common sense financial counseling and come up with a budget. Write down everything you both spend money on and see where you can cut corners.

Next problem is, him finding an outlet for his past substance abuse. The more he feels in control of this, the less stressed out he'll be in other areas of his life. The problems won't go away, therefore retreating will only cause more frustration, as the problems increase. Best of luck to both of you.

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/adhd/2...relationships/