I disconnect and get a kind of an out of body experience once in awhile when I'm feeling something intense or the memories bombard me and I need to retreat. It's definitely scary - it used to happen alot in the past - back then I couldn't move for hours at a time and other people had to slowly talk me back. Now I'm more aware and can bring myself back and it only lasts for minutes, that "floaty" feeling you mention.

The feeling of a barrier, the numbness, the lack of desire to maintain a relationship, feeling shut down, like your life is ready to end - a lot of that sounds like severe depression. Have you been to see a therapist or a psychiatrist? You say you don't NECESSARILY want to die but there are lots of red flags in your post. Have you been feeling this way for a long time or has something happened recently that has brought this on?

I've been at the same place you are - I'm borderline and bipolar - and what's worked for me is therapy and medication - working closely with both my therapist and psychiatrist. Now, I am NOT saying you are either borderline or bipolar - just that I am and what's worked for me. I still have my dips and crashes but the majority of the time I function well - I'm content, productive, have a great relationship with my husband, and don't think about dying on a regular basis, like I used to.

BB, please think about getting some help. You don't want to live your life feeling this miserable and disconnected. You deserve better. Talk to your family doctor about a referral for a therapist. Gather what energy you can together and make it happen - do it today! Make a commitment to yourself to make things better and to reclaim your life - you're worth it! Good luck