Thanks for your advice costello. I become embarrased because I am needy on the inside. On the outside I can get by with the bare essentials. My insides crave love and affection, I've never been willing to pretend that isn't so. I'll tell my psychologist about my sleep problems. My emotional problems make me enjoy discomfort. Pain is like pleasure to me, if I allow that. I choose to limit that today. I enjoy fantasising about my end of experience in this world. It comforts me, sadly I guess.

I am going to walk today. I will get paid from work. I need to buy some groceries for dinner. I should do some housework also. It is friday, so I'll have the next two days off. Church helps me relax, I'll go there. I enjoyed some music today, I haven't listened to music for enjoyment for a few years, cept rarely. I have much music that brings my mind to better places, I should start to use this resource.

My wife isn't an affectionate person. She is here and living with me, that needs to be enough. She doesn't seem comfortable with me if I'm emotional. She says it is unatractive.

I'm afraid that you want me to go away. It isn't you. My mind does this, I think when I begin to trust someone, I become afraid. I'm afraid.

I'm not being manipulative, I just want you to like me.

thanks.