Hello,

I'm new here. I'm a 23 year old graduate student. I posted this story to Reddit, Yahoo! Answers, Go Ask Alice and the Ask the Therapist section of this site. I got a wide range of answers on Reddit and YA, so I thought I'd ask here. I even created an account on FetLife for the sexuality side of this story.

My childhood sucked. My father occasionally beat me. Not a spanking, but a beating. Again, not all the time, just occasionally. I guess I was what you would call a loner. I wanted a sister to play with, but that never happened. I volunteered at the local library and met one of my friends. She came from a family of seven. There have been time where I wished I could be in her place. I made a vow to myself that I wanted to be a daddy and have a big, loving family. I was also bullied in school. My outlet, especially during puberty, was the online adult baby/diaper lover (AB/DL) community. However, I never acted this out; it was simply a fantasy.

Fastforward to today.

Many of my cousins, neighbors and family friends are getting married and starting families. However, I'm finding it hard to be happy for them. I cannot long on to Facebook without seeing pictures and hearing stories of happy families. At the sight of these stories/pictures, I become jealous, angry, bitter, resentful and envious: they have something that I yearn for.

I found that the way to release these emotions was to fulfill my sexual fantasy/fetish. Now that I'm finally on my own, I bought diapers. I even bought little girl ones to be the sister/daughter that I don't have. When I brought them home from the store, I cradled them in my arms, thinking "this is the closest to a baby I've ever been." When I use my diapers (only before work/school, after work/school and on the weekends), I'm happy. They're emotionally gratifying (I feel equal to those in my life who are new parents), sexually gratifying (As weird as this sounds, I ejaculate into my diaper before changing), and they're a form of stress relief (imagine coming home from a hard day of work/school, and putting on a diaper and sucking your thumb-- so relaxing).

At the same time, I have an ancillary fantasy/fetish. I've always wondered what it would be like to be a woman. I've wondered what it would be like to get pregnant. I've considered buying panties. I've done a pretend ultrasound on myself using roll-on deodorant. I've practiced giving birth-- I lie on my back, push using my stomach muscles (even though nothing comes out) and do the "labor breathe."

Sorry this is such a long post. What do you think I should do? Thanks for all your answers.