Okay, so I'm already not doing too good because I'm A, in a depressed phase, and B, have an intake with another Pdoc on monday. Anyway, I just realized... This is really hard for me to admit btw... that some my religious beliefs might be psychosis.

Now, I know it's not uncommon to believe in a god, or gods, and to believe that they can hear you talk. But I need to know has anyone ever talked to god, and had god talk back? Any god? Or goddess?

I believe in one God, but at the same time I believe in all gods as entities and parts of this one god. I also believe in spirits. I don't really want to go into detail because it's not very important, but I believe in them and their ability to interact with people. And I believe I have had conversations with them.

The reason I'm willing to question this is because I am willing to question everything. I believe it is important to find the Truth and no believe in something that is less than true.

I've had casual conversations with God, with a few spirits either passing through or that I had to interact with, and with a few of the 'pagan' gods. Specifically Tyr (Norse), and a moon goddess unspecified because she could have been from a few pantheons and I wasn't sure, and recently Hathor (Egyptian Goddess). Tyr was for myself during a time of great confusion, and he offered to be a patron to help me through it. The moon goddess was a blessing for/from/to help a friend who is a follower of her. And recently Hathor... today actually.

It wasn't that dramatic (it's usually not), but this one is making me question why. I was watching Stargate SG-1, and the character Hathor (a alien replica of the goddess) was in it, and I insulted the character saying "NO DONT TRUST HER SHES A B****" and I suddenly got an earful of "don't say that stuff about me, I'm not a b****, stop thinking that I am, I may be a bit reckless at times but I'm not blah blah blah ext..." I just recoiled, said sorry, but I was talking about the character, and please don't lecture me, and she receded. We ended up talking and watching the episode together. She said she likes the show and laughs at the portrayal but is mad when people think it's actually her. It wasn't a very in depth talk, it was just chit chat. At the end of the episode she said good bye and then was gone.

Now, to clarify. I didn't see anything that wasn't there (or anything that wasn't my couch, laptop, and messy apartment), and I didn't "hear" the voice like you hear a persons voice. I heard it in my head, but it wasn't me talking. Or at least I don't think it was? Most of the time I would talk out loud, and occasionally I would say something in my head, like wonder if she wanted tea or if she could even have any, and I would get a "no thanks, but you should get yourself some. I should be going soon" (this was near the end). And that got me wondering about the privacy of my thoughts. I mean, yes it is a god, but at the same time I am human and it shouldn't be possible for anyone but the Creator to be able to read my thoughts... so now I'm really not sure of any of it!?

She just said that she wanted me to learn more about her, and that "everyone (who passes you?) knows your sick" and not to worry about it, and to get better. I admit, it's been a while since I've "talked" to someone, and I only ever have the "ability" when I'm healthy and not under the influence of my MI's. I also admit that my depression's been lifting today.

I vaguely remember an angle telling me to poison myself or hurt myself so I could go on medical leave during a time of great stress for myself. I tried to drink unclean water (was in the wilderness) but it didn't work and his "promise of escape" never happened. I was depressed at the time and wanted out. I ended up completing the training and was really proud of myself in the end. I've always wondered if that was me talking to myself, or if it was just a really bad spirit trying to get me to lose faith (it worked, he'd called himself God)

So! I have this appointment on monday and this new revolution has made me wonder if I should tell them and be completely honest about myself, my religious beliefs and experiences, and my thoughts about life and personal lifestyle, in order to get the best help, or should I just keep this to myself. I don't want to lose my religious beliefs and abilities to medicine, but I also don't want to be living a religious lie (I've done it, ignorance is bliss, but I hate it). But I know that science and psychology don't always take religious beliefs as good things, or sane, if they are obscure. Jesus would have been called psychotic in his time, I'm sure. Not saying I'm Jesus, but I don't exactly follow the "norm". And I don't want my beliefs shattered falsely by the accepted sanity of normal people.

Oh, and I'm on Seriquel, which is a mood stabilizer AND ANTI-PSYCHOTIC for the mood stabilizing benefit. It's helped with my disassociation as well.

I don't know if this is a religious crisis or a mental crisis, or both! It's really confusing. All I want is some reassurance here that I am not psychotic, and that this could possibly be something that wasn't just me being insane. I want peoples honest option (and please give me the background of that opinion. If your christian, you're not going to believe in "false gods" and that's okay, but I'd like to know because it actually affects a lot of things. I won't discount it, but I want to take it into consideration.)

I am on a search for truth, both about my religious beliefs and my own mental "issues" and tendencies. Please help. Sorry it's 1064 words long!